


In Times of Peace

by wrigglesworth59



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic Revealed, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-01-24 20:41:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1616381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wrigglesworth59/pseuds/wrigglesworth59
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a time of peace in Camelot, but there is a dark cloud looming</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Hasn't been beta'd so all mistakes are mine

PRELUDE

It's during the second year of peace that Merlin realizes something may actually be wrong, not a big something not in the grand scheme of things, but definitely something amiss, he just isn't really sure what and he's not even that bothered really.

For years he has been at Arthur's side, aiding and protecting, and ok it's not always been easy but its never been this hard, which is puzzling what with there being nothing much to protect him from.

He still harbors hope that one day he will be able to tell Arthur, that he will be free to be himself, his whole self, without having to lock such a major part of himself away. He understands the need to keep hiding because although he hopes, he also fears, and it may be peaceful at the moment but that could change at any time and if there is even the slightest chance that Arthur may banish him (which he might) then he can't tell him, no matter how much he may want to.

So no, for the moment it is still necessary to lie and hide and pretend , but he can't be bothered with the fake smiles (he can't remember the last time he genuinely smiled), it's hard enough most days just to drag himself out of bed, he hadn't realized until now how much harder it was while there was seemingly no purpose to him, nothing for him to do, no reason and yes he will happily admit to himself that its hard, harder than he even knew.

CHAPTER 1

It's a day like any other. The faint light of dawn making its way over the horizon, most of Camelot's inhabitants still sleep. Merlin is lying on his small bed wide awake and staring aimlessly at the cracks in the ceiling. It's become something of a habit lately and he stays that way for a long while, thinking. Most of his thoughts recently are more like memories, memories of all the people he's loved and regretfully had to say goodbye to. He thinks of them often, their faces swimming in his minds eye, Freya, Balinor, Will, Lancelot and to some degree (though thankfully not in a final way) even Arthur and Gwen.

The first time he called Gwen 'My Lady' he had been teasing expecting one of her warm smiles and a reply along the lines of 'please Merlin, its still Gwen to you' , but no she had instead acknowledged him with a regal nod of her head and well she's just been Guinevere, Queen of Camelot, 'My Lady' ever since.

It's true that he no longer has a stupid amount of chores to do for Arthur anymore hasn't since he and Gwen moved into shared quarters. He never would have thought for a minute that he would miss the extra workload, but he does. Now it's not his job to get Arthur up in the mornings (or ready him for bed each night) he can't help but miss the banter, the childish joy he took from dragging THE KING out of his bed. He also couldn't help that feeling that it was the beginning of the end for their friendship, they spent no time alone together anymore. Now-a-days there was always Gwen or the knights or the council and Merlin's place seemed to be pushed out by nameless, faceless, servants. The only one with any time for Merlin was Gaius.

Merlin was now a fully able and capable physician in his own right whether he wanted to be or not. Gaius had taken it upon himself to fill Merlin's newly found free time (since Gwen's coronation) to teach Merlin all he could about the healing arts and all the various herbs and their usage, a lot of which he had known already but he was now assigned with more practical cases, the first time he had had to assist in a childbirth he had thought he might pass out.

He had also taken to going out to the meadow most nights to talk with Kilgharrah, not that they had much to talk about, Merlin usually just spent the time practicing his magic (but it was nice not to feel alone). Although he was also worried about Aithusa, she had not appeared in more than a year, he knew she was still alive so it was a bit baffling that she didn't come when he called (he hadn't thought that was possible) but Kilgharrah had informed him that it could just be a case of distance (at least he thinks that was what he was getting at if only he would drop the riddles), still it didn't stop him from worrying, she was after all his responsibility.

"Merlin," Gaius says as he pushes open Merlin's door, pulling Merlin from his thoughts. "It's time you were up. I have some potions I need you to deliver and then you need to attend Arthur."

"Hmm, ok." Merlin replies flatly not even attempting to move, he vaguely wonders if maybe Gaius will just go away and leave him in peace, though he knows Gaius never would.

"Merlin!" Oh, there's the eyebrow raise to go with the sharp tone of voice, "You're breakfast's getting cold, come on, up!"

Merlin gives a heavy sigh, knowing a lost cause when he see's one, and starts getting up. Have his limbs always been this heavy and sluggish? Maybe its just his half asleep mind, but, whoa he feels dizzy and nauseous when he's standing upright. Odd.

Gaius leaves his room muttering something about laziness, or perhaps its craziness, some such nonsense anyway, maybe Gaius is going crazy, losing his mind, after all he is quite old and he's certainly not getting any younger.

Merlin doesn't bother with a wash just chucks on yesterdays clothes before entering the main chamber. Gaius is sat at their small table, close to the fire, eating his porridge but even thinking about the thick congealing porridge makes his stomach twist in alarm. Fighting against the rising bile Merlin busies himself instead with the potions for delivery, not really paying too much attention to Gaius' instructions, and really why?, it was the same every day. He's been doing this for long enough now that he knows which potion is for which person.

He quickly leaves their quarters after promising Gaius he will get something to eat from the kitchens before he goes to attend Arthur, knowing that he won't bother, hell the cook would probably rather have rats in her kitchens than feed Merlin, its fine though because recently he doesn't have much of an appetite anyway.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Ah Merlin. I need you to polish my sword, my throwing knives, daggers and my armour, when you're done with that you may help the servants the decorations in the great hall ready for the feast tomorrow. I also require you to attend Guinevere and I during dinner tonight which we will take in our chambers." Arthur looks at him expectantly, it's the only clue Merlin has that its time to start his chores.

He kind of tuned out after 'polish my sword' although its a safe bet that he wants all his weapons and his armour polishing.

"Right, of course Sire." He gives a slight bow of his head and drags his lead laden legs out into the corridor and off to the armoury, yep, definitely misses their old easiness, he sometimes wonders if Arthur is just humoring him by still giving him chores, his presence seems to be surplus to requirements these days.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

He wasn't really sure how this had happened, he had been polishing and sharpening Arthur's weapons when he'd drifted off in his own mind whilst messing with one of the daggers he'd been working on.

Now though he is looking at his left arm, more importantly the blood which is trickling down his arm and between his fingers, and wondering how on earth he managed to cut himself so deeply and precisely without even noticing. He doesn't think it will need stitches, which is a relief because he's not sure what he'd tell Gaius, but it does need cleaning and binding. Also the dagger will need to be cleaned and polished again! Great, just great.

Leaving the dagger to one side for now he wraps his neckerchief around the cut, that runs the length of his forearm, as best as he can with only one hand and heaving a sigh heads back to the physicians quarters, hoping that Gaius will be out attending patients or sitting in a (no doubt) dull council meeting.

By the time he arrives back in his and Gaius' chambers, which are thankfully empty, his arm has started to both sting and throb so he thinks he may just have to take a potion to ease the pain before he can get back to his chores.

Picking out the right potion from the cluttered shelves he downs the contents in one swallow and then sets to cleaning and bandaging his arm, thankfully it doesn't provide any telltale bulge under his loose clothing so he thinks he may get away with his idiocy this time.

Though he is still concerned how it happened, how could he not have noticed the sharp blade piercing his skin, before dragging down his arm, in the first place? Not that it really matters, it will be easily hidden as Gaius is often preoccupied by research or busy with potions of an evening and well he doesn't spend much time with anyone else.

He knows that most of his friends are now in elevated positions and therefore are usually busy but still it hurts, he can't help feeling like he actually has no friends left anymore and he misses Lancelot more than ever before because Lancelot always had time for Merlin (even if it was just a brief chat in the corridor), Lancelot's smile often made his day because Lancelot knew and still loved him despite his magic, he often went out of his way to help Merlin bear the burden of living in the shadows this half life he had become so accustomed to and the guilt Merlin feels over Lancelot's death seems to grow heavier each day, it's something that will never leave him, sometimes he feels as though his guilt (not just over Lancelot but all the lives he has cost) will consume him, he often feels he would deserve it and sometimes wishes it would just hurry up and get on with it.

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Merlin is vaguely confused when he opens his eyes to find himself in his darkened room and in his bed, a flare of pain from his bandaged arm reminds him that he had decided to lie down for a bit whilst waiting for the potion to kick in, he doesn't remember falling asleep though.

The next thing he's aware of is voices out in the main chamber, slightly muffled as they come to him through his thick wooden door. Gaius must have a patient, he figures if he stays quiet Gaius will assume he's still out doing chores for Arthur.

He's just about to pull his tunic sleeve up to check the cut hasn't bled through the bindings when he hears heavy footsteps on the stairs outside his room, and not a moment later the door is pushed open by an annoyed looking King. Oh, oh dear, perhaps its later than he realized and he certainly hasn't done much in the way of chores, oops.

"Merlin, I swear to God you are the most useless servant in history, where in you're list of chores did I tell you to go back to bed for a bit of a nap? You must've been in here most of the day since nobody has seen you and right now you are supposed to be serving in the dining hall! Please tell me you at least polished my weapons and armour."

Merlin lets Arthur's rant wash over him, not too concerned until the last line nudges him forcefully. Shit! Shit! He hadn't even finished the weapons, never mind started on the armour , and, OH SHIT! He left the bloody dagger just lying there. Crap. He needs to go and clean it, now, before someone sees it and thinks there's an intruder or something. First though he needs to try and appease Arthur and get rid of him so that he can actually get to the armoury. He tries to paste a smile on his face and goes with his usual cheekiness.

"Hello to you to Arthur," Hmm, ok this is not going well, Arthur looks like he is about a second away from finding something to throw at him, "Er, well I may have, erm . . . ah the thing is I was in the armoury polishing and I, er, felt . . . a bit sick, yes, so I came back here to take something for it and I, um, I must have . . . erm must have fallen asleep. Um. Sorry. I feel much better now though so I'll just go and star . . . um I mean finish you're armour." He tries for another smile and this one must work, he can see Arthur's features softening.

"Idiot." Arthur says fondly, "You can finish my armour later, after you're done serving us for dinner. Come on."

Arthur waits while Merlin pushes himself off his bed, ignoring the pain in his arm. Its almost as though Arthur knows that Merlin intended to escape, the way he's just waiting there. Merlin hasn't served Arthur at dinner, unless it's a feast in the great hall, since not long after Gwen's coronation. Gwen, rightly, believes there is no need of a servant for just the two of them when they're perfectly capable of pouring their own wine. Wait, so who exactly is 'us'?

xxxxxxxxxx

He should have known really, its quite obvious, of course the 'us' in question turns out to be all his 'friends' though he now uses the term loosely. They're all there, Arthur, Gwen, Gwaine, Leon, Percy and Elyan, all sat down for a nice dinner, while Merlin leans slightly against the wall wine jug in hand. He really should use both hands as he's already spilt (and subsequently been shouted at) the wine a fair few times but his left arm is throbbing with the beat of his heart.

He kind of feels like he might pass out, though that thought makes him feel daft because the cut wasn't that bad, but the pain and the smell of the food is definitely making him light headed (hence why he is leaning against the wall for support, he's not sure he trusts his legs at the moment), he hopes nobody will require a refill any time soon because he's sure if he moves even the slightest he will wind up face planting the, very hard, floor and he doesn't fancy that.

He has no idea what's being talked about though he could hazard a guess that it's either patrols or hunting, he's not sure how Gwen copes listening to such dull topics.

He hasn't noticed that he's started sliding down the wall slightly, his body going as slack as his mind seems to be, until he hears the clang and splash that is the pitcher hitting the floor a second before his body follows, connecting painfully with the hard tiles.

The room is silent for a brief moment before a chorus of 'merlin's break out. Gwaine is the first to reach him though and while Merlin's mumbling that he's fine, really, Gwaine grabs his left arm with the intention of helping him to his feet.

Merlin gasps at the pain this causes and Gwaine hastily moves his hand to under Merlins shoulder and gently pulling him to his feet, where he sways slightly but Gwaine keeps a steady hold on him.

"Are you alright?" Gwaine asks, looking at him with concern.

"Yeah, fine, thank you." He feels a little steadier now so he eases himself out of Gwaine's grip.

"Maybe you should go and see Gaius, just to be sure. I'll have another servant see to my armour. You should get some rest Merlin." Arthur says.

"Right, yes, I'll do that. Thank you Sire." Merlin bobs his head and quickly leaves, pretending not to notice the worried looks he receives. He has no intention of going to see Gaius though because he still needs to go to the armoury and clean the blood from the dagger.

It's going to be a long night, he thinks, his whole body now feeling like one giant bruise. Oh well, no rest for the wicked.


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to warn you of alternating POV's (nothing drastic)

Chapter 2

Pt 1

Arthur woke to the feel of soft lips brushing gently against his cheek and couldn't help the smile or soft sigh that escaped him, this was definitely a much better way of being woken than Merlin's brash cheeriness and wrestling him from his bed.

"Morning Arthur, breakfast's on the table." Guinevere told him, moving away to the table in question. He watched her for a moment, a smile on his lips, enjoying the view.

These days, Arthur thought, there was much to smile about, the kingdom was prosperous and peaceful and he had the loveliest, kindest, most beautiful woman in all of Camelot (well so he thought anyway and as King his word was law, so there) at his side. Yes for once life seemed to be pretty perfect, if maybe a little dull but he shouldn't think like that and well there was always training so he still got to 'bash people with a sword' as Merlin would put it.

Actually thinking of Merlin he wondered if the boy was ok, it may not have been the first time Merlin had collapsed while performing his servant duties but it was the first time after the boy had spent the whole day in bed which was a little odd. Arthur had put his last collapse down to exhaustion and not eating that day, but this latest one, last night, he really didn't know. He decided that after he and Guinevere had finished breakfast he would go down to the physician's quarters to set his mind at ease.

He knew his and Merlin's relationship, for want of a better term, had shifted since he and Guinevere had married. They spent very little time these days in each others presence after all Guinevere got him up and helped to get him ready each morning and evening and Merlin certainly wasn't needed on the training field, (he'd no doubt find some obscure way to injure himself) in the past Arthur sometimes made him participate but it was usually as a punishment for some slight or other. Guinevere heartily disapproved such behavior suggesting they were nothing more than bully's so that put a stop to that, and, well, just because Arthur had to sit through tedious, oh so boring, council meetings he didn't feel Merlin deserved to share that fate, but they were still friends and Arthur would probably never stop worrying about him.

Maybe he should organize a hunt, just him and Merlin. Along with his closest knights of course, they would actually appreciate a hunting trip and not go out of their way to scare of the game. It would have to wait til Merlin was well enough of course, which gave him the perfect excuse to check up on his manservant's health. Already feeling the anticipation of time away from the castle Arthur sat down and dug into his breakfast with great enthusiasm.

"Alright Arthur, out with it, what are you plotting?" Guinevere asked eyeing him with an amused smile.

"Plotting?? I don't know what you're talking about." Guinevere just raised an eyebrow (and really, did Gaius host eyebrow raising classes that he was unaware of?) it was nowhere near as intimidating as Gaius', but . . . "Fine. I was thinking of arranging a hunting trip, I'll have to see if Merlin's well enough, obviously."

"Obviously." Guinevere replied with a smile, "That's fine Arthur. You should go and check on him, I can handle the council for you. Be sure to be back in plenty of time for the feast this evening though." Arthur beamed at her, God he loved her so much, he had always known she would make a great Queen and he knew she would be capable if, God forbid, anything should happen to him.

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Arthur knocks gently on the door to the physicians chamber, not wishing to disturb Merlin if he happens to still be resting, but loud enough that anyone in the main chamber should hear it. Gaius may be old but his hearing has always been good.

"Come in." He hears Gaius call, and makes his way in the room.

Looking round he notes Gaius is filling his medicine bag with various phials and muttering softly to himself. He seems a little agitated which makes Arthur fear that maybe Merlin is worse than he had first thought.

Gaius finally turns to see who entered the chambers and a look of puzzlement flits across his face before being replaced by his usual stoic mask, "Sire, what can I do for you, you're not unwell are you?"

Well, he knows he hasn't spent much time with Merlin, but surely Gaius must know that Arthur is still going to be concerned for his friend. Really he would have thought Gaius was expecting him, just as Guinevere knew he would not be able to get on with his day until he had found out how his friend was, he's a little insulted that Gaius seems so sincere in his puzzlement as to his presence.

"I came to enquire if Merlin had recovered from yesterday. Do you know the reason for his collapse?" Ok, Gaius was now giving him a truly alarmed look, what the hell was going on. "Look could you just tell me if he's alright, please?"

"I'm sorry, Sire, but I have not seen him since he left here with you yesterday evening. Merlin collapsed?" Ah, Gaius now looked as worried as Arthur felt. If Merlin had not come back here after he had been dismissed then where was he? What if something had happened? He had seemed to still be a little shaky on his feet, what if he had fallen down a staircase or something, maybe he should have had Gwaine accompany Merlin back to his chambers to make sure he was alright.

Where to even start looking for him though. It was late enough on in the morning that servants will have been around all parts of the castle, pretty much, and someone would have found him by now if he had collapsed again on his way back here. He was pulled from his musings by a sharper than usual 'Sire!', bringing his attention back to Gaius.

"Ah, yes, during dinner. He had said he was ok, though I believe he may have hurt his arm, he was dismissed and told to come here so you could see to him. I don't know where he would have gone though if he didn't come back here." God, he was going to have to search the whole castle himself now, he would get their friends to help him though, he didn't trust anyone else when it came to Merlin. The boy was such an idiot that Arthur often had a hard time believing he had managed to survive so long, he clearly needed others to look out for him.

"Well I don't know where he is Sire, though I believe his collapse was probably due to lack of nutrition or fluids. He quite often forgets." Arthur knew that was true, Merlin only ever ate with Gaius (unless they were out of the castle) and if he was busy with other things during his and Gaius' mealtimes then he tended to not bother with food until their next mealtime. Arthur really couldn't understand how Merlin survived on less than three big meals a day, no wonder he was such a stick. He snorted softly at that thought.

"I need to deliver these potions, Sire, but if you could have someone inform me when you find him he may need looking over."

"Of course, Gaius. He's probably sleeping somewhere daft knowing him, don't worry we'll find him, he can't have got far." Arthur tried to reassure Gaius, he didn't seem to be doing much of a good job though. Gaius rarely let his professional stoic expression slip but he had just for a moment, when Arthur had mentioned Merlin not going far, he was sure he had caught a glimpse of alarm or fear maybe. That was odd.

Leaving the physicians quarters just ahead of Gaius he wondered where the likeliest places were. He decided he would head to the armoury the knights would be there soon to get ready for training, he would wait there and let them know Merlin hadn't made it home last night. That settled he headed off in the opposite direction to Gaius with another promise to keep him informed.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Entering the armoury a short time later the last thing Arthur had expected to find was Merlin curled up sleeping on the floor, using what looked to be Arthur's own chainmail as a pillow, (oh, Arthur had completely forgotten about sending another servant down to polish it, how had Merlin known and why had he bothered?)

He really couldn't have been very comfortable sleeping like that, although it didn't seem to be disturbing his slumber if the soft snores were any indication. Creeping quietly closer he notes his weapons arranged out gleaming on the wooden table. Is that blood? Arthur takes a closer look and decides yes, it is indeed blood, quite fresh too. There is a little smeared on the bench in front of the table which is where there seems to be the most blood although it doesn't look as dark, slightly faded as though someone has tried to clean the stains, he's not sure why they would bother everyone knows it's near impossible to get bloodstains out from wood grain. Still where did the . . . his eyes drift back over to Merlin.

Of course, the idiot. Who would manage to hurt himself doing something as simple as polishing, probably thought he could avoid all the friendly ribbing by trying to hide it although that doesn't explain why he's here now curled up with a suit of chainmail, Arthur knows all too well how uncomfortable it is to sleep in, never mind on, for God's sake. Idiot, he thinks again with a small shake of his head, then he crouches down to Merlin's ear, "Merlin!"

Merlin jolts as though someone's run him through and immediately tries to leap to his feet, causing him to knock into Arthur and send them both tumbling back to the floor. He notices Merlin glancing around with wild unfocused eyes until they meet his own and Merlin jolts again, this time succeeding in scrambling to his feet.

"Sire!" He can see Merlin taking in the room, weapons and armour, and obviously trying to piece things together in his own mind before trying to offer Arthur any explanation, he can't wait to hear what he comes up with this time.

"Merlin," Arthur acknowledges and suppresses the urge to smile, he's missed Merlin's clumsy idiocy and humorous ramblings. This should be fun,"Care to tell me what you're doing, Merlin?"

"Um yes, I was um . . . " Merlin trails off which Arthur finds rather disconcerting, its almost as though Merlin himself has no idea what he's doing, what he's meant to be doing or what he has been doing.

He looks exhausted still and Arthur feels incredibly mean because he just seems to want to laugh, not because he's cruel or anything but Merlin really does look funny with his hair sticking up in disarray and etched red loops all over one side of his face from sleeping on chainmail, as it is it's so incredibly Merlin that he doesn't even fight to stop the grin from spreading across his face. He can't help it the laughter bubbles up and out at Merlin's sleepy eyed incredulous expression, including rings. He throws his head back and just lets the laughter take over.

"What? What are you laughing at?" Merlin looks a little hurt but Arthur can't seem to stop, everytime he thinks he's almost gotten it under control it consumes him all over again until he's doubled over hands on knee's gasping for breath in between bursts of yet more laughter, "Arthur? . . . Arthur? . . . Sire? . . . Uh, fine" Merlin huffs and pushes past him and before Arthur knows it his chuckles have died away and he is standing alone in the armoury still struggling to get his breath back. That could've gone better, especially since he know has to track Merlin down again!

He quickly follows his manservant out the door just in time to catch a glimpse of a brown jacket rounding the corner of the corridor that leads up into the castle.

"Merlin!" He shouts and is happy to see him freeze, he quickly catches up and can't help but note that Merlin's face is a blank mask, he had always thought that Merlin was easy to read but looking at him now he knows how wrong he's been in that assumption, his manservant has layers he's never fully noticed before. "Merlin, I was thinking of taking a hunting trip this afternoon, if you feel up to it of course." He sees the light of happiness in his eyes, that's weird he knows Merlin dislikes hunting (as a sport, he doesn't mind if its actually needed).

"I'm fine Arthur, honestly, some time out of the castle sounds good." Merlin has one of those face splitting grins on his face and he automatically feels his facial muscles pulling into a smile in response.

"Great, I'll inform the knights. Have the gear packed and be ready to leave at midday." He fails to notice the smile leave Merlin's face upon learning it will not just be the two of them, as it used to always be. He watches Merlin head off into the main castle before finding the nearest servant and ordering them to inform the knights to be ready to leave for the impromptu hunting trip, feeling like a weight has been lifted from him.

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Pt 2

Merlin was glad to find that Gaius was still out on his rounds when he returned, though he did feel a little guilty for the thought, but it was much easier to be alone. If Gaius were here he would only worry and coddle Merlin (especially if he had found out about last night, which was probable especially if Arthur had come looking for him). The two shared an extremely close relationship loving each other as fiercely as any other father and son would, so yes today he could do without Gaius' worry, he would leave a note for him before going to meet Arthur and the rest of the hunting party.

First though he needed a wash and a change of clothes, he had not only been wearing these ones for the last couple of days but had also spent last night sleeping in them, he really didn't think the others would appreciate it if he turned up smelling of stale sweat. He also needed to redress his arm. While he pottered about the chambers sorting himself out and gathering supplies he couldn't help but think about how much he missed hunting trips with just Arthur. No, he didn't like hunting for sport but the trips when it was just the two of them, well that was it , it was just the two of them: Arthur and Merlin, Merlin and Arthur, just two friends out in the woods not King and servant, and yes Arthur may have still liked to laden him down like a mule but usually at some point he would wind up snatching half the baggage and carrying it himself (muttering about it being because Merlin was useless and slowing them down).

However any hunting trip that included any of the knights (unless perhaps if it was just Gwaine) tended to be a lot more like actual work where Arthur treated him as not just His servant but servant to all the knights and those trips were definitely more tiring and not so much fun, not that Merlin thought there was much fun in shooting defenseless animals but still.

For a moment when Arthur had first mentioned it he had felt a small bubble of joy, they could get out of the castle and poke fun at one another and it would have been just like old times and he couldn't help the way his heart had lurched a little with the 'great, I'll inform the knights' that had followed. Arthur's ribbing tended to be a little more . . . what? nasty? yes, blunt? also yes but that didn't quite sum it up, truthful or hurtful perhaps as though not entirely intended as a joke, his insults to Merlin in front of the knights definitely lacked any fondness or warmth and the state Merlin's mind was in at the moment he was not sure how well he would cope with it.

Casting a glance one last time around the chambers to ensure he hadn't forgotten anything (except leaving a note for Gaius, that had slipped from his mind before he'd even finished washing), he left the castle and headed to the stables to prepare the horses, all six of them.

He was just finishing saddling his own horse when the King and the knights arrived, for once not sporting their chainmail and capes, and Merlin had to then set about the task of distributing all their hunting gear which didn't take too long as a few of the knights just sorted their own instead of waiting for Merlin while Arthur grumbled in the background about wanting 'to leave today, Merlin'. Then they were off, Camelot's walls falling behind them as they made their way into the surrounding forests.

Arthur had chosen a place close to a small stream to leave the horses so they could follow a game trail he had spotted. Merlin after a very short time was becoming increasingly bored, it was too quiet, even for being out in the forests, no-one was talking all too concentrated on 'quietly' stalking their prey. Arthur had shout whispered (how does he even manage to do that it really shouldn't be possible) at him no fewer than four times for being to noisy. So now he was standing a little away from where they were crouching in some bushes, watching a doe and her fawn, feeling restless and twitchy.

There was an uncomfortable itchiness under his skin which was extremely irritating especially as he couldn't even scratch at his left arm at all with the bandage on there. So he had to content himself with just scratching at the right arm and was relieved to find that this did appear to alleviate it, but only as long as he was scratching, as soon as he took his hand away the itchiness returned and thus resumed the scratching.

A loud triumphant shout brought him back to the here and now, and dropping his hand from his arm, he noticed he had pretty much scratched his arm raw there were patches where the skin had been scraped away by his nails and even a few small patches that were beading up with blood all surrounded by a mottled looking bruise. He yanked his sleeve back down wondering what he must have been bitten by and turned to concentrate.

The knights had brought down both mother and her young child and seeing their sightless glassy eyes made Merlin feel a little ill, why had that had to kill a mother and her child, it was more than a little cruel he thought and refused (even after being ordered by the King) to have anything to do with preparing the catch for the journey back to the castle. He hoped it was too late for the cook to include them in the menu for tonight's feast.

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Well that settled it, he completely and utterly hated feasts. As though it wasn't bad enough having to do nothing but stand for hours ensuring that the King and Queen's cups didn't run dry, he had to put up with the smell of food (he had only eaten an apple and a bit of cheese in the past 48 hours) which made his stomach clench quite painfully, he also once again had to bear witness to his friends eating and drinking chatting happily to one another while he looked on from the outside. He may as well have not been there he could be reading or out playing with his magic and Kilgharrah or well doing something, surely, that wasn't such a depressing waste of time.

By the time he had been dismissed and made it back to his chambers Gaius was already asleep, snoring softly and occasionally mumbling, and he wished for nothing more than to be doing the same but knew he wouldn't be able to get to sleep just yet.

Going into his own small room and shutting the door he sent out a small flicker of magic to light the candles and after pulling off his tunic he unraveled the bandage from his arm and was pleased to see it had started to scab over and he would no longer have to keep it bound. The small scratch on his other arm was still a raw red though fading to pink along the outside of it.

Huh, he thought and before he had even processed what he was doing (he really didn't want to examine his thoughts about this right now) he had picked up his own dagger, usually used for cutting herbs, held it poised above the soft flesh on the underside of his arm and slowly pierced the skin, dragging the blade in a straight line across his arm. It was an odd feeling, there was no pain, which he had been expecting, instead it felt a little like relief like he could breath a bit easier.

He watched a small trickle of blood for a moment before repeating the process, with each slice into his skin he felt a little lighter, a little calmer and by the time he was ready to go to sleep both arms bore a mismatched pattern of cuts, some small and deep others longer but maybe a little shallower and some which were both long and deep. He wasn't stupid though and hadn't been planning on killing himself or anything so he had made sure none were deep enough to bite into any important veins (the deepest cuts were kept away from those areas), he felt a little better than he had before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah just on the alternating POV's this chapter really wanted to be written from Arthur's POV but somewhere realized that it wouldn't work for the whole chapter so there will probably be various chapters from others POV but main POV will be Merlin's. Hope no-one finds it too annoying and I will make sure to change POV in a way to let reader's know (pt 1 will be so n so's POV, pt 2 someone else)


	3. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just to say hi n thanks for reading :)

Chapter 3

Pt 1 

Gaius awoke that morning deciding to put off his patient rounds for a little while, he was a bit worried about Merlin, after what Arthur had told him yesterday he hadn't yet had a chance to check his ward over and make sure he was ok. He really wanted to check his arm if Arthur was right in thinking that Merlin had hurt it during his collapse it wouldn't do for him to be doing any heavy lifting or something that may cause more damage to it.

Knowing that Merlin would have had a late night attending the royal couple during the feast he went about checking his stores making a note of any herbs needed and potions he was running low on.

Merlin's weight had always been something of a slight concern of his the way it fluctuated to unhealthy a lot of the time but he had thought that in the past couple of years it had remained steady at a healthy weight for Merlin's age and height, since Merlin had started spending more time with Gaius as his duties to the King had lightened Gaius had seen to it that the young man ate healthily and regularly but the past few days had seen them both quite busy and he couldn't recall how long it was since they had last eaten together instead of him just leaving something for Merlin to have later. It seemed as though without Gaius reminding him and being there with him his ward had fallen back onto old habits of skipping meals entirely, something he would be having words with him about.

Noticing the suns position in the sky Gaius wondered what was keeping Merlin, he never normally slept so late even after a late night, thinking there was a chance that maybe Merlin had been up and left already he went to check his room just to be sure he wasn't waiting round needlessly. Upon entering Merlin's room he noted that he was curled up fast asleep still and his room was the usual chaos of clothes and miscellaneous objects, why on earth was there a knife on the floor? He picked it up, clean and sharp and ready for use, and put it on the table by the bed.

He wasn't sure whether or not he should wake Merlin up, he had had a late night and didn't have any early duties and he could certainly use the rest, but well Gaius himself did have duties to attend to and he really didn't want to start them without seeing to Merlin first.

"Merlin," Gaius called softly, there was no response not even a twitch in his sleep and Gaius sighed trying to push down the guilt he felt at what he was going to do. It seemed like an invasion of privacy but well he didn't want to wake Merlin, not while he slept so soundly, and he had many years experience of tending to patients while unconscious in fact it often made things easier.

He gently shifted Merlin slightly so he was lay on his back, he didn't stir only a faint frown line evidence that he had felt anything at all, and carefully took his left arm from beneath the blanket. Gasping in shock at the blood that stained his once cream night tunic. Pulling the soft sleeve gently down Merlin's arm he had to fight hard not to cry, the material was stuck to the dried blood in many places and Gaius had to get a warm damp wash cloth to clean away some of the blood before he could even get his arm free of the sleeve.

He was shocked and greatly saddened by what he saw as he slowly and methodically set to cleaning the arm, he knew cuts like this, they weren't accidental couldn't possibly be brushed away as nothing. Merlin had done this to himself, Gaius found his eyes resting on the knife he had moved that morning, what on earth would've possessed his young ward to do this, why had he done this?

With eyes that were blurring with tears Gaius looked back to the young man sleeping so peacefully and his gaze traveled down to where he knew Merlin's other arm was hidden beneath the blankets. He took a deep shaky breath. He had to know.

With hands that trembled just slightly Gaius pulled the blankets down. He let out a noisy sob at what he saw.

"Oh, my boy."

Merlin had jerked awake at Gaius' cry, trying to jerk his arm out of his grip, but Gaius wasn't going to let go, not now. No Merlin needed help that much was obvious and Gaius was determined he would provide Merlin with all the help he needed.

"Merlin, ssh, calm down. Please, let me help. These cuts need cleaning and both you're arms need binding, Merlin, please it's ok." Gaius pulled Merlin into his arms and his young ward relaxed into the embrace. Gaius could feel the shudders that wracked Merlin could hear the hitched breathing and knew his ward, his son (maybe not biologically but in all the ways that mattered) was crying harder even than Gaius himself.

He isn't sure how long they sat like that each clinging to the other, as though it would be the last time, crying together, Merlin with big wracked sobs and Gaius just with silent tears dripping down his face into Merlins hair where his head was resting on Gaius' chest. Eventually when Merlin's breathing calmed and both were done with their tears they simultaneously pulled apart.

Gaius tried to catch Merlin's eye, he needed to know what his ward was thinking and Merlin's emotions always showed on his face, but Merlin was staring determinedly down at his blanket as he picked at a loose thread purposely avoiding his gaze.

"Well, we don't need to talk just yet. I'll see to cleaning and binding you're arms and then I'll bring you some breakfast and we can talk, ok?" He shuffled out into the main chamber to get some more supplies and clean water, and mostly to give himself time to breathe, to try and process what he had found in Merlin's room.

There were a number of reasons as to why a person might do this kind of damage to themselves and none of the things going through his mind could help. Merlin's life in Camelot had never really been easy and Gaius had always made sure to be there for Merlin in any way he could, he knew how hard it was for the boy and Gaius was always prepared to listen (even to the rants about Arthur and how much of a 'clotpole' he is) and now, well now he feels useless. What had been going on? How could Merlin have gotten to this point, why had he not talked to him about whatever was bothering him?

An odd echoey noise came to his ears and an eerie wind blew gently through the chambers, briefly lifting pages. Gaius' eyes snapped to Merlin's room he had an idea as to what had happened but he hoped to all the Gods of both the old and new religion that he was wrong, but upon entering Merlin's room and finding it empty he knew he was right and the problem was a lot worse than he thought. He briefly looked around the room and was pleased that it did at least seem as though Merlin had changed out of his blood covered night shirt so that was something. Swallowing down more tears, he turned out of the room he would have to inform the King, though he had no idea what he would say but there was no knowing what Merlin may do to himself and Gaius was more than a bit frightened.

Pt 2

Arthur was on the training field running through basic drills with the knights when he noticed Gaius hovering anxiously nearby. The court physician only ever came to the training fields if he had been called for, to attend an accidental injury usually. So Arthur instantly called for the knights to continue without him.

"Gaius, what can I do for you?" Noticing the red rimmed eyes Arthur felt a flash of panic, what had happened?

"Sire, it's Merlin."

Merlin? what had happened to Merlin? He had been fine when he left the feast last night, oh God he was finding it a little difficult to breathe but he kept his King mask firmly in place, it was useless to panic before he even knew what the problem was.

"What about him, don't tell me, has he finally managed to blow up your quarters?" It wasn't very funny but it helped ease the panic rising in him, he really didn't like the haunted lost look in Gaius' eyes.

"I'm afraid he is missing, Sire. Perhaps I could talk to you somewhere a little more quiet." Arthur turned his head and noticed that Gwaine and Percival were much closer than they had been, no doubt trying to listen in, and paying little heed to their swipes of their swords. Arthur nodded his head once and led the way into the castle.

All the while walking in silence through the castle corridors dark thoughts whirled around his mind. He kept seeing a day from a couple of years ago, Merlin falling, lying on the ground, his breathing shallow. The mace wound to his shoulder had made Arthur feel ill, and then a rockslide cutting him off from his injured friend, not being able to find him people telling him it was hopeless after a week of fruitless searches, and then Merlin's sunny smile when Arthur found him, filthy, alive and whole once more. The relief and pure joy he had felt and a promise to himself that he would never loose Merlin, it had been far too close a call.

"Very well Gaius, please explain." Arthur shut his heavy chamber door behind them after informing the guard they were not to be disturbed. He stood leaning against his desk, eyes locked on Gaius.

"I wanted to check on him, as I hadn't yet had a chance, only he was still asleep and I didn't wish to wake him." Gaius paused and Arthur could almost see thoughts and broken sentance's forming behind his eyes, whatever it was couldn't be good. "Sire, Merlin had a number of cuts lacing both his arms, some were really quite deep . . ."

"What are you saying, where did these cuts come from, he was fine at the feast or well he seemed to be." Arthur interrupted, Merlin may be an idiot but not even he could accidentally could up both his arms, he wasn't sure what was going on though because well Merlin wouldn't, couldn't, have done it . . .to . . . himself?

"I'm afraid these were self inflicted Sire, there was a knife on the floor by his bed, and his nightshirt . . . " Gaius swallowed visibly before continuing,"He woke and well he seemed docile enough to let me tend him but . . . I had to leave to fetch fresh water, and when I returned he had gone." Arthur watched a tear leak from the corner of Gaius' eye. He felt like crying himself, his thoughts stuck on 'why?' and 'no' and 'how long?' His mind was full of questions and the only one with the answers wasn't here so . . . 

"Where?" He voiced aloud, "Where would he go? Can you think of anywhere he may be?" 

"I'm afraid knowing Merlin, Sire, that he won't be found easily if he doesn't wish to be, he may even have left Camelot. I don't know but whatever he's thinking he will now be scared that he has been found out. He can only be helped if he willingly accepts it and I'm afraid he is not ready. He won't wish to face people knowing what he has done and that they too might know."

"Left Camelot? that's not possible, not yet, he can't have been gone more than an hour, I will call the knights and send out search parties immediately. Thank you for letting me know, I will tell the knights merely that he went for herbs and failed to return, the rest we will keep to ourselves for now." Arthur was about to leave mind going through the forest patths and wondering which way was the most likely when Gaius' quiet voice brought him from his thoughts.

"Sire, you must be careful, he's not in his right mind and may react badly if he feels threatened." Arthur had heard tales of people performing extraordinary feats while feeling pressured and emotions were high but this was Merlin. Honestly what could Merlin do?

"Thank you Gaius, but I don't think it will be a problem, my knights are the best and would never do anything to hurt Merlin or make him feel threatened. . . " He trailed of at the look in Gaius' eyes, guilt and pity, oh and fear? Why? "What is it Gaius? There's something you're not telling me and I want to know what!"

So quietly Arthur had to strain to hear he was given his answer. It took less than a minute, and only three little words for Arthur's world to fall apart.


	4. chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is all Merlin this chapter :)

Chapter 4

Merlin landed in the clearing feeling slightly disoriented, he had never before done a teleporting spell and it made his stomach roil, he collapsed to his knees and his body shuddered as his stomach tried to purge itself. With there being nothing in there to purge he shook with dry wretches spitting out bile and saliva.

When it was over he looked around and found that he was in the clearing he and Kilgharrah used, not nearly far enough away. How long did he have? How long before Gaius went to the King? He had to put some, much more, needed distance between himself and Camelot before Arthur found out, he couldn't face the King, he didn't want to see anyone really. He would have to walk (his magic felt heavy and sloshy inside him, it seemed pure luck he had managed to even get here) walking would be slow especially as he didn't have much energy.

Still he pushed himself to his feet and, turned away from the view of the castle, started walking towards the forest. He knew he could call Kilgharrah but he didn't fancy having to explain himself, what could he say anyway, 'oh hello dragon I'm running away because I'm a coward do you fancy helping me?' Yeah he didn't think that would go over well with his destiny obsessed friend.

He's not even sure what possessed him to run in the first place, hell if he's honest he isn't sure what possessed him to put a knife to his skin (all he knows on that topic is the relief and almost pleasure he had felt at the time) but now he knows he can't face them, any of them, not Gaius or Gwen and definitely not Arthur, no he couldn't face any of them. The lies he's told, continues to tell. The pitying looks he would receive, the judgement, he couldn't face it, they didn't even know him. They had no right to judge him.

He could hear cruel taunts in his head, the voices of his friends (but oh so subtly different), they mock him and Merlin stifles a sob bringing his hands to cover his ears, but he can still hear them.

'Oh look there's Merlin, he's such an idiot, the poor fool. Did you know he actually believed we were friends, me the King of Camelot friends with a servant, one who's so useless, a country bumpkin and such a girl. Always following me around and look at him now, broken, pathetic.'

'Greatest warlock the world has ever seen my eye always spilling potions, foolish boy, trips on air half the time. Why destiny chose such a boy I'll never know . . . only put up with him for the sake of Albion but don't see how such a fool will achieve something so great.'

'I loved you and you just watched as you're precious King killed me, you couldn't even save me, what use are you? A man who would sit back and watch his loved ones die without lifting a finger to help. I wasn't important enough for you to risk you're secret, how many died that you could have saved. Avalon is filling up with you're failures, such a disappointment to all.'

On and on the endless litany, voices of his friends, past and present, bleeding into one another until it was a cacophony of meaningless words, unable to pick out a single one from the whole chorus. He was sobbing but still he carried on walking, blindly, through the forests, picking up his pace no longer just running from the real, from the physical, but running from ghosts, from his mind which wouldn't stop tormenting him. Running from something he could never escape.

Eventually after a couple of hours walking, running and stumbling in stops and starts, his body gave out on him and he collapsed exhausted to the forest floor. He had to be a good few miles away by now, but that didn't mean much, not when his pursuers would have horses and supplies. Merlin really needed to find somewhere close to water where he could set up a camp.

He gave his body a small energy boost using his still sluggish magic and took in his surroundings. He should have known really, the lake of Avalon was only a couple more miles away and in his broken mental state it seemed his feet were taking him there of their own accord. Not that he was complaining it was always peaceful and so beautiful at the lake, as long as one wasn't on the wrong side of the Sidhe of course.

After what felt like eternity he finally broke through the foliage to be greeted to the sight of the lake glistening in the light of the sunset. It was even more breathtaking than Merlin remembered.

He had picked some berries and mushrooms as he had walked, so after starting a small fire and enjoying a cool drink from the lake he sat down and ate. After spending a day running on nothing but adrenaline (and madness) nothing had ever tasted so good. The peace left him to his own thoughts and he couldn't help feeling like the idiot Arthur had always accused him of being, why had he run off like that? He knew that he still didn't wish to have to see anyone but what good was hiding away here going to do?

He knew he couldn't go back though, not yet. Even if he wanted to he knew he physically wouldn't make it plus the sun was almost set and it would have to wait til tomorrow, he would see how he felt in the morning. Pushing his magic out he set up a barrier for added protection, he knew the magic of this place would protect him but he felt safer knowing he had done something to ensure the knights wouldn't find him, then he curled up and let the exhaustion of the day send him to sleep.

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When he awoke his mind was in greater turmoil than before, his dreams had been plagued by memories, by the voices of the dead. Rubbing a hand down his tired face he found his fingers came away wet, he had been crying in his sleep. It seemed as though he would never find peace, not even here.

He thought of Freya, poor beautiful Freya. He had failed her as he had failed so many others, he knew she was at peace here in Avalon, guardian of the lake, the gateway to the afterlife for those who had earned a place there. He knew this with conviction but his mind no longer let him truly believe, instead it tormented him with such sad thoughts. She had been so young, still so innocent and more beautiful than any other, he would have given anything to be with her always and yet his memories were tainted by the memory that haunted him the most. Sweet Freya, a bastet, cornered by Arthur and the knights a flash of silver gleaming in the moonlight, a howl of pain. Could he have done more? If he had acted sooner, could he have prevented her death and oh Arthur in all his shining noble glory just seeing a magical creature that needed to be killed, that did not deserve to live. Would Arthur have acted differently if he had seen her as she was? A druid, a young woman, would he still have plunged his sword into her side?

Merlin likes to believe that if Arthur had known the truth he wouldn't have but he knows in his mind what Arthur (was) is like the 'druid girl' would have been executed if she had been found and Arthur would not have batted an eyelash, she would have just been another magic user in a very long and morbid tally to die for what she was. Merlin knows this and it does little to alleviate his mind, how can he still blindly follow this man? For a future that seems just as impossible, just as far out of reach, as always

"I'm so sorry, Freya." He sobs, absently picking at the scabs that have started to form on his arms. The itching under his skin is back, and he feels so anxious and agitated he needs something to do with his hands, but he hadn't brought anything with him, so he picks at the cuts and absently scratches at his arms, ignoring the sobs that are heaving his thin frame.

He doesn't honestly know what to do with himself, he can't go back he knows that now, knows that Albion is just a dream, an unreachable goal. No man, no matter how great, how noble, could achieve such an impossible dream. Arthur is no closer to accepting magic as he was when Merlin first met him. Though it was true that he didn't hunt down magic users as his father before him had he still did not accept such practices and anyone found guilty of sorcery would still face execution. Merlin remembered the hope and pride that had coursed through him after Elyan's possession and Arthur's promise but since then he had shown that nothing had changed, that it was an empty promise made during an upsetting and stressful time. True, he may have meant what he said and it was obvious he had felt guilt but only for the deaths of the women and children of the camp (and what use was that? Would leaving them with their lives but without husbands, brothers, sons, fathers, without their men really have been merciful?) No Albion was a fools dream and he was the fool.

He stiffens as he hears voices slowly getting nearer, then relaxes slightly as he remembers the magic surrounding him, shielding him from sight, but the voices stop abruptly once they reach the lake and Merlin thinks whoever it is knows he is here (whether they can see him or not). He looks over in their direction and finds himself looking at what appear to be travelers not knights, not Arthur, he has no idea who they are though or how it could be possible for them to know of his presence, until a voice reaches his subconscious bypassing his ears. Druids.

'Emrys,' the voice calls softly, and it feels like a familiar presence in his mind though he's sure he has never seen this young man before, he can't be much older than sixteen or seventeen at most. 'Emrys? Merlin? Are you alright?'

Merlin pulls his magic back to himself, showing himself to these strangers? They can't be, or at least the boy can't be, no druid has ever used his birth name but this boy had which means he must know him. He looks at him more closely, the dark curly hair, young innocent face and light blue eyes that sparkle in the morning sun. It's those eyes that provide the answer he knows those eyes, only in a younger face. Mordred, no longer a small boy but a grown man, smiling at him as though they are the very best of friends and it has been too long since they saw each other last, it's slightly disconcerting really.

"Mordred." The name leaves him on a breath, and Mordred's smile grows wider. God he looks so happy as though Merlin has just promised him the moon rather than whispered his name.

Mordred must have a brief silent conversation with his companion because the man he was with looks briefly at Merlin, nods his head and quite literally vanishes into the forest. Mordred smiles as he sits down beside Merlin, as though it is perfectly normal to find the supposedly mighty 'Emrys' sat at a lake picking at bleeding arms. Merlin thinks maybe he should be concerned but he actually feels at peace , Mordred's presence seems to have quietened the voices in his mind and he offers the young man a small smile of his own (it doesn't hurt, and it's not faked.) He wonders if this is progress or perhaps it is the feeling of belonging stirring in his chest. The peace of being with kin.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Mordred asked with an eyebrow cocked in the direction of his arms, Merlin shook his head. Mordred gently took his right arm, slowly so Merlin had a chance to pull it back but he didn't, he wasn't sure what Mordred was thinking, what was going on behind the expressionless mask but he found he didn't really mind the contact. Mordred's eyes softly glowed gold and Merlin felt heat prickling along his skin, he watched transfixed as his skin cleared, the cuts healing over leaving no trace other than the mixture of dried and fresh blood.

They shared another small smile as Mordred wordlessly took his other arm and repeated the process. When he was done he went to the lake and after ripping a strip from his tunic soaked it in the cool lake water. He proceeded to clean the blood from Merlin's arms revealing smooth, unblemished, pale flesh.

"This is all I can do for you, I can't do anything to help heal you're mind, but if . . . when . . . you are ready to talk I'll be here."

Merlin took this in with a small shot of shock, here was this man who he had wronged as a child, and yet he was here wanting to help him offering him comfort. Merlin wasn't sure how he felt about this knowledge, guilt and sorrow and God had he really been prepared to let a child die on the word of a dragon? Merlin knew he and Kilgharrah were kin but yet he also knew the dragon had lied to him more than once how could he have decided that a child deserved to die just because one day he may do a bad thing. Merlin had done many bad things who was he to judge and condemn others perhaps he was no better than Uther himself.

"Thank you." He replied, the sincerity pouring through his voice. It didn't matter what the future held he would probably never admit to anyone how grateful he was to this man just for simply being here, sharing the peace. He felt he had found someone he could (and would) talk to, not yet, he was feeling to content to ruin the comfortable silence, but he knew eventually he would let Mordred in. It was nice having someone who might just possibly understand.

"You won't leave?" He couldn't stop the question blurting from him. Mordred just smiled at him and shook his head.

"I'll stay for as long as you'll let me, for as long as you need me."

Merlin looked at this man, this amazing person who had no reason at all to help Merlin and every reason to hate him. Who was here, no longer a boy and Merlin wished he could be even half the man Mordred was. Merlin had too much blood on his hands, too many deaths on his conscience. He was twenty-six for Gods sake and had caused the death (even if inadvertently) of hundreds and stood by and watched as many of his kin were slaughtered for something he himself was guilty of.

He had never expected to find compassion and acceptance. It was exactly what he needed right now, like a small child being comforted by his mother Merlin let it soak into his skin, seep into his battered mind. Let himself let go.

Merlin exhaled a shaky breath and lay down with his head in Mordred's lap, closing his eyes and drifting off into (for once) a dreamless sleep with the feeling of Mordred's fingers carding gently through his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Merlin is not magically cured there is still a long way to go, but he may have just found his savior (or has he?)


	5. chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey thanks for sticking with me :)

Chapter 5

Pt 1

. . . It took less than a minute, and only three little words for Arthur's world to fall apart.

The words echoed around his mind, he couldn't believe what his brain was telling him he had heard. No it wasn't possible, there was no way it was true!

But this was Gaius, why would he lie? What purpose would it serve? He could see the truth of the statement in the sad eyes looking at him and yes now he could understand the pity, the guilt and the fear, because the truth was Merlin and Gaius had been lying to him for who knew how long.

'Merlin has magic.' Since when, when did Merlin start practicing sorcery, was it Gaius' influence? Did he believe that if he studied magic they would have a better chance to defeat Morgana if she ever returned? He remembered once when they had been driven from Camelot and he had told Merlin, 'Morgana's so powerful and we have nothing to counter it with', was that why Merlin had started, hadn't he learnt from Morgana that magic corrupted? Was this why he was hurting himself?

"How long Gaius?, how long has this been going on?" Arthur demanded, all previous thoughts wiped from his mind by this new piece of information. When Gaius remained silent Arthur's voice rose as his patience snapped, "How long? You are not leaving here until you tell me, unless you wish to continue this discussion in the dungeons!"

"He has always had magic." At the frown on Arthur's face Gaius clarified, "He was born with it, Sire, for him it is as natural as breathing."

'As natural as breathing'?

Magic?

Merlin?

Always?

'He's always had magic.'

Thoughts chasing each other round, coming back to 'always' as though on a loop.

Merlin had been lying to him, all this time he had been living a lie, and . . . Gaius . . . Gaius knew? All this time, he had known? Who else knew?

"Would you care to explain to me what a sorcerer", He spat the word, "Was doing in my kingdom, and why you who have always been loyal and trusted failed to report such a crime, hmm?" (It was convenient in his anger to overlook the fact that no Gaius had not always been trusted but had a few times been falsely blamed and accused, but those memories made him and his father look bad and therefore could easily be ignored). And was it such a crime? Could he really condemn Merlin, his friend, for such a thing if he had indeed been born with it.

How was this possible? Merlin who had reminded him of the duplicity of magic when Morgause tried to turn him against his father, Merlin who had sat outside the throne room alone all night while Arthur mourned the loss of his father, Merlin who cried over the death of a unicorn, Merlin who had magic, who had lied and wormed his way into Arthur's affections, Merlin who was his brother in all but blood . . . Merlin who was missing, alone, who had taken a blade to his own skin . . . and more than once? The blood in the armoury, Merlin's blood. Merlin who he had silently pledged to always protect.

But could he still hold onto that vow knowing now what he knew?"

"Merlin has only ever tried to protect you, Sire. He has sacrificed a great deal in his belief in you and what you will one day become."

'I'm happy to be you're servant til the day I die.'

'You will be the greatest King that this world has ever known'.

'You need to believe, Arthur . . . have faith'.

'Destinies are troublesome things'.

Memories flowing unbidden one after the other through his mind but the question remained: just how good an actor was his manservant? Was any of it real? Was he merely working behind the scenes to put a knife in Arthur's back when it was least expected? Was he working with Morgana?

'She's so powerful and we have nothing to counter it with.' A tired looking Merlin still joking despite that they could die taking back Camelot, 'not so powerful now my lady?' Had Merlin done that, done something to repress her powers? Who was Merlin, what had he done all these years in Arthur's name? And just how powerful was he?

It was more important than ever before that Merlin be found because Arthur wanted answers and he would make sure that he got them.

His mind was in turmoil, he wasn't sure what he knew or what to believe. He didn't know how he would react when he found Merlin, whether he dragged him back to Camelot to face trial or whether he would embrace him and never let go, all he knew was that Merlin needed to be found no matter how it ended. He would not tell the others about this though, he needed time to sort his own thoughts and feelings out and he knew that if he made it known he would have no other option than to see his friend brought back in chains.

"We will leave immediately. Have the guards inform the knights, and I expect you to be here when I return. You may continue your duties for now."

"Sire, what will you do about Merlin?" Gaius had a few tears running down his face, ". . . Please?"

"I don't know." Arthur answered honestly, he could see the pain this situation was causing the aged physician, but he didn't know, he had no idea what to do, "I will bring him home, that much I can promise you." He realized Gaius understood the unvoiced threat of trial and execution though when the old man let out a barely choked off sob and wished for a moment he could offer him some kind of comfort, but he couldn't. Merlin may well face execution, this he felt was the worst betrayal he had yet faced.

It took him a few minutes after Gaius had left to pull himself together enough to call for a servant to ready his horse and make up a pack, after which he restlessly paced his chambers while he waited for the servant to return so that he could leave. He didn't want to be alone he wished he could talk to someone, share this burden, but he didn't want to burden others with this kind of knowledge. He could imagine Guinevere's reaction, how it would break her heart, she would never want to see Merlin executed even for something as dangerous and unnatural as magic.

'Gwen's not the sorcerer . . . I am!.'

'Merlin is an idiot.'

'He's in love . . . with Gwen.'

Gods the idiot had admitted it in front of the council, in front of Uther! But no-one would ever suspect or believe that Merlin was a sorcerer . . . wait that wasn't quite true, 'The boy. . . Merlin.' All those the witch finder had questioned, Merlin, Gaius, Morgana all of them, magical and the witch finder himself, was he really a sorcerer?

He was beginning to see that there was a lot of things he had been blind to. Just what had really been going on behind the scenes in Camelot? He was pulled from his thoughts by the return of the servant informing him his horse was ready and waiting. Now to go and find Merlin.

Arthur could see why Gaius had told him, after all it would no longer do for him to underestimate Merlin, it did however pose the problem of what to tell the knights (the herb picking story had gone over without so much as a raised brow) but he could not warn them of the danger they may find themselves in. It was not such a problem with his most trusted knights, they were after all Merlin's 'friends', but the others who did not know Merlin so well could prove troublesome. He settled eventually on splitting up the usual group and sending one of Merlin's 'friends' with each of the patrols (something he hadn't wanted to do really because well they were his friends and when they were together he was still King but he was also Arthur), he did however keep Gwaine in his patrol which did raise a few eyebrows.

This may have seemed an odd choice especially since Gwaine's 'respect' bordered on treasonous and his behavior was often anything but noble, but Gwaine was solid, dependable, reliable and oddly trustworthy. He also kept up an endless stream of happy chatter, not unlike a certain manservant, and it reminded Arthur of home, of questing, of having each others backs. Gwaine somehow embodied strength and friendship, the two things he felt he needed most right now.

Pt 2

Mordred sat cradling Merlin's head on his lap, brushing his fingers through the slightly greasy and knotted dark locks wondering just what exactly had happened to have reduced him to this.

He had got over his anger towards Emrys a long time ago, it still hurt that The Emrys had been prepared to let him die, it was something he had always failed to understand, Emrys was supposed to be their savior. The one who would bring magic back, who would rise with The Once and Future King to create The Golden Age, but seeing him now, like this Mordred also realized that 'Emrys' was just a young man, lost and alone and living a lie for too long.

He wondered what had happened during all the years that had passed since he last saw Merlin. He had heard rumors regarding Morgana, most of the magical community feared her just as much as they feared the late king of Camelot, because although she had magic and claimed to fight for magic users it apparently did not stop her from killing her own with just as little thought as she killed those without magic. You could not replace a tyrant against magic users, who killed with no regard as to the crime other than having magic, with a tyrant who killed for no reason at all if the rumors were to be believed.

He recalled a few years ago when the druids he had been living with heard rumors that Camelot had been taken, that there was a witch queen currently on the throne. How she had executed civilians in the courtyard with no warning for the simple reason that the knights refused to submit to her rule.

How she had taken the name Pendragon for her own upon discovering her true parentage. He didn't know what to think about Morgana but it seemed that living in Camelot had a way of breaking those living within its walls.

Morgana it seemed was a lost cause, lost to hatred and rage. And Merlin it seemed was lost to pain and sorrow and loneliness. Yet he looked so peaceful, innocent and young still, it was hard to believe that he was almost ten years his senior. There was still something bright and pure about him.

He knew he would do whatever it took to bring a smile to this man's face, not 'Emrys' but Merlin who was struggling and consequently suffering from the burdens he bore. Mordred could only imagine how hard it must be to live in Camelot knowing each day could bring your death if anyone ever found out who you really were. The fear of 'friends' turning against you, of watching your body be consumed by the flames. He thought if it were him he would wake each day choking on the smoke of his nightmares.

He was unsure how long Merlin would sleep, but he currently looked to be in a deep peaceful sleep, he had noticed (it was hard not to) how Merlin seemed gaunt and too thin and figured he should take the opportunity to go hunting and cook him something substantial, the start of trying to bring him back to health

This urge to care for Merlin wasn't brought on by a notion to help his kin, he knew that, no there was something, a connection between them that seemed to go much deeper than that of merely kin. Seeing Merlin like this physically hurt him and he knew that he would never be able to leave him, never wanted to see anyone hurt this man. He may be Emrys, all powerful warlock, but Mordred knew he would die to protect him if need be.

These thoughts and feelings were so strong, so overwhelming, he wasn't sure what to make of them. He wouldn't run from them though, he had made a promise and he would keep it.

Merlin had let out a soft whimper when Mordred had shuffled out from under him, but he had remained sleeping for which Mordred was grateful, he hoped he could be back before Merlin woke.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As life goes he returned to the lake, with a brace of hares and a handful of herbs and wild mushrooms planning on a hearty stew, to find Merlin awake, crying softly into his arms. As he got nearer he noticed fresh marks there, though luckily as Merlin had no knife to hand they were just the marks of scratches. Not that this made it any better really, he had only been gone a short while, an hour at the most judging by the suns position.

"Merlin." He spoke softly not wanting to startle him, he approached cautiously, "I went to get some food, you must be hungry."

"Mordred, I thought . . . I thought you . . . weren't coming back." Merlin got out between sobs, and Mordred had to envelope him in a hug, had to let him feel that he was here, that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Ssh, I just went for food, I'm here now. You're alright, Merlin, you're not alone."

He continued to soothe him until Merlin had calmed down and when Merlin next met his eyes Mordred could see the shame that burned in them. He needn't be ashamed of hurting, of being afraid, of not wanting to be alone. He whispered this into Merlin's hair that it was ok to be scared and to be hurting, this was the price of being human, to feel.

Mordred knew the despair that went hand in hand with loneliness, knew first hand what that felt like.

"Why Avalon?" He asked a short time later, while the stew bubbled over a magically conjured fire. He was curious, no mortal had ever seen Avalon but those with magic all knew that this lake was the gateway. It was rumored to be guarded by a beautiful young woman who had been a druid, though nobody knew how true this was as anyone who witnessed Avalon had gone far beyond where mortals could reach.

He wasn't sure if he had expected an answer or if he had just given voice to a thought thinking he would remain ignorant of why Merlin had chosen this as his place of refuge, either way he jumped slightly when Merlin's deep soft voice filled their 'camp'.

"There was a girl, a druid. Freya. . . She was cursed to kill, she was cursed to turn each night into a bastet, but she was beautiful and kind and did not deserve what had happened to her." Merlin's voice cracked towards the end, but it seemed for now at least he was done shedding tears, "I couldn't save her, only watched as her life was taken from her. We were going to be together, start a new life and before she passed I brought her here. It's where I laid her to rest. My beautiful Freya. The Lady of the Lake."

"Wait The Lady of the Lake? It was you, you created Avalon's guardian?" The rumors were true then, they were merely wrong about how long she had been here. He could already guess at how she had died and it was no small wonder that Merlin was so full of pain, it was surprising how long he had lasted before breaking. He wondered how many Merlin had watched die unable or unwilling to do anything, how hopeless he must have felt knowing that to help was to sign his own execution. How much had he given up for the sake of destiny?

It was clear now though that Merlin had kissed goodbye to destiny, why else would he be here?

He had a vague plan forming in the back of his mind, although for now they would stay here for as long as they were able, for as long as it took. He knew there would be people (and not just any people) out looking for Merlin, he still didn't know the events that had taken place that caused the warlock to be here, but here at least they were safe, none but other magic users could find them here (he spared a brief thought to Morgana and the fact that not all magic users were necessarily friendly).

He looked out over the lake thinking, he needed to find out what had happened in Camelot, did the King know of Merlin's magic? Had he been banished, or perhaps fleeing from his own execution? Or was it something less simple than that of self preservation?

He looked over at Merlin, who stared blankly into the flames. Questions and answers could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> argh this chapter really annoyed me it didn't want to co-operate so apologies and I am off to bed ;)


	6. chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay will just apologize right now this chapter is rather disjointed I don't know I must have rewrote it like 5 times and well yeah all I can say is this one just didn't want to co-operate so sorry

Chapter 6

~~~~~~~Gaius~~~~~~~~~~

Gaius returned to his empty chambers and sank heavily onto a bench. His mind was still screaming at him, what had he done? He had always sworn to keep Merlin's secret, had always warned his young ward that Arthur could never know his secret (or at least not yet) and yet he had told Arthur, he had broken Merlin's trust. Again. He still felt it was the right thing to do in the circumstances though, Arthur needed to be prepared, who knew what was going on in the warlock's mind, he was definitely a danger to himself and could easily become a danger to others.

He buried his head in his hands and tried to compose his thoughts. He was worried beyond belief, that Merlin hadn't been eating was something he was well used to, but this, what he had been doing to himself was so out of character Gaius couldn't help but worry that with the pressures of destiny, and the lies, had caused his mind to snap, he may just try to end it all.

It was not only Merlin's own mind that posed a problem though, Gaius knew Merlin could easily defend himself from bandits and other unsavory characters that could be found on the roads, there was also Morgana to take into account. True she was not as powerful as Merlin, but if she found out about his magic or even just got her hands on him, what with the state of things, Gaius worried for them all. He remembered what had happened the last time she had got her hands on Merlin, if she had known then about his magic things would have been very different. He also remembered the fear of when he had told Merlin's secret to Alator (it was sheer luck that the Catha were loyal to Albion's golden future) that had been far too close a call for either of their liking, though for different (and yet really the same) reasons, each fearful of the others lives.

He could not stop the tears from flowing down his face, he wanted to go and look for Merlin himself but without Merlin (and Gwen now being queen) there was no-one else to see to patients, although perhaps if he saw to it that they had enough medication and instructions to last a few days he may be able to go and look. After all Gaius was much more likely to find him than the knights especially if Merlin had gone to a place of the old religion.

Deciding on his course of action and ensuring that Gwen knew he would be gone for a few days (merely telling her that there were rare herbs he didn't trust inexperienced servants to be able to find) he started preparing potions for patients ready to be delivered. He didn't care if the King returned before him, he remembered the threat to be here but well Merlin was far too dear to him to do nothing and he would willingly die for him.

When all was ready, leaving the potions in the capable hands of the scarily efficient George, he left Camelot wishing he was still able to talk to the dragon. Kilgharrah would surely wish to help his dragonlord, a list of possible locations running through his mind and heading off first to the valley of the fallen kings where the crystal cave was well hidden away making sure to keep out of sight of any red cloaks of Camelot. It would not do for the King to find him out here.

~~~~~~~~Merlin~~~~~~~~~~~

Merlin was a bag of mixed emotions, he was so confused by this connection he felt with Mordred, when he had been in Camelot he had felt alone especially when surrounded by others which usually left him wanting nothing more than to actually be alone (somehow loneliness felt less lonely when you knew you were alone, if that made any sense) but being here with Mordred he felt well like he wasn't so alone.

Whenever Mordred left to go hunting or foraging, which he tended to wait until Merlin himself was asleep, and Merlin woke to find himself alone he was always hit by an inescapable fear and panic would claw at his mind. The voices that had been muted slightly and more subdued in the druids presence would rise up in a clamor making it hard to concentrate, making it hard to breathe. These episodes were like a slow torture and Mordred would usually return to find Merlin sobbing. arms and ears covered in bleeding scratches, but he knew this wasn't enough, it held no relief. The clamor would still ring in his mind, the itch beneath his skin would not abate and all he could think of was the easing of his tension of drawing a blade across his skin, watching as blood beaded to the surface before spilling over and dripping down his arms.

But things were easy with Mordred. The druid had asked a couple of times if he wanted to talk and he never pushed when Merlin would shake his head, content to sit in a comfortable silence or else talk of simple unimportant things. There was no judgement, no expectations to live up to and no lies to have to hide behind, no destiny demanding impossibly to be fulfilled, though there was something (guilt) that would prod at him which he knew he would not be able to ignore for much longer. Mordred was helping him just by being here with him and the least he owed him was an explanation.

"I'm sorry." He offered with a slight grimace, Mordred looked at him in confusion so he plunged on owing him the truth, "When you came to Camelot, everything since that first time we met. I am so sorry. I never hated you, never truly wanted to see you die."

"Ok, so why, if you didn't want to see me die, why?" Mordred's voice rose towards the end and Merlin knew it was something that he may have never fully got over, not that he could blame him, after all Mordred had been but a child, a druid, who had grown up listening to stories of 'Emrys', another soul that Merlin had failed. At least now he could try to make amends for his past failings in regards to Mordred.

"Kilgharrah, the great dragon, he told me you were dangerous. That if you lived my . . . destiny" He choked on the word, it tasted like ash in his mouth, "could never be fulfilled and well I believed him. I had no reason to doubt him, but . . . I know . . now . . that at that time he served no-ones purpose but his own. God so many died because of us. I sometimes wonder if Uther wasn't right in getting rid of the dragons and their Lords, though if he had succeeded I wouldn't be here. I'm not so sure if that would have been such a bad thing." His voice had trailed of to barely a whisper towards the end and his eyes were glimmering with unshed tears as he turned to Mordred. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"I forgave you a long time ago, it does not do to let hatred fester in your heart. Thank you." Mordred gave him a shy smile, "So a dragonlord, Merlin?"

"Yes. God for the first couple of years I'd go and visit Kilgharrah where he was chained under the castle, I had no idea, had never even heard of the dragonlords and then I released him, I was keeping a promise but I wish I hadn't. He attacked Camelot and so many innocent people lost their lives, including my father who I had just found out about. Balinor, he was . . he was a good man and I could do nothing, I couldn't save him. All my magic and still I couldn't help." Merlin shook his head talking about Balinor was a bittersweet pill, the overwhelming happiness he had felt when he had come to them pledging his aid, the childish dreams of a family reunion despite the years that had gone by, and cradling his fathers body as the tears took over, fearing for what may come, and mourning the loss of his father.

To finally meet the man only to have him cruelly torn away, anyone that was Merlin's, anyone who did not have a place in Arthur's destiny, anyone who in loving Merlin posed a threat to that destiny going unfulfilled, all of them taken from him. Except his mother, Merlin would never allow anything to take his mother, not even destiny.

"I'm sorry. It is hard to loose a parent, I was only young when I lost mine and though I don't remember much of them I feel their loss just as strongly each day. But I know one day I will be with them again, when it is my turn to leave this land and make the journey to Avalon." Merlin could not help but reach out and take Mordred's hand in his own, for all the comfort it would provide.

They stayed like that, lying down, hands clasped together gazing up at the stars, occasionally murmuring nonsensical things to one another until they eventually drifted of to sleep. Hands still held softly.

~~~~~~~~~Gwaine~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite what many people often assumed Gwaine was not stupid. He didn't for a minute believe the story of Merlin failing to return from gathering herbs, it was as ridiculous and unbelievable as Gwaine giving up women (or ale, or fighting).  Why would anyone send Merlin out alone to gather herbs when it was clear to everyone that Merlin was clearly ill or something, asides from the collapsing Merlin had lost weight and always seemed to have dark rings circling his eyes, he looked drawn and as though his exhaustion went bone deep.  This thought hit him with a wave of guilt because he realized he had noticed these things but had still not really spared a thought for his friend.

He remembers the only times he had seen Merlin recently was during feasts, where Gwaine sat at a table surrounded by his fellow knights, eating, drinking and thoroughly enjoying himself, catching glimpses of a tired looking Merlin, usually propped against the wall or a pillar, wine jug in hand just waiting to refill the kings cup.  Other times at council meetings, not very often though, he remembers the first time they sat around a round table and Arthur had spoken of equality of no man having more power, of Merlin being seated at Arthur's right, shortly before Arthur had knighted them, all except Merlin, the whispered words of Lancelot and what they had meant 'you're the bravest of us all and he doesn't even know it'.  How from then on Gwaine's whole life had changed and it was mostly thanks to Merlin, who when he is actually present at the new round table meeting is only conspicuous by the way he stands behind and slightly off to one side, hands clasped behind his back and never looking more conspicuous as the servant he is.

But Merlin is special. He's unsure who exactly knows just how special, Gaius without a doubt, Merlin has never said anything though and so Gwaine has always followed his lead in fact he wasn't sure if Merlin even knew that he knew.

So chances are that Merlin had probably gone off alone to face down some enemy, or possible threat to the kingdom, and not returned. Gaius only seemed to use herb picking or the tavern excuses when it was something dire and if Gaius was worried about Merlin's where-a-bouts then so was Gwaine.  Not just because he may have failed in whatever dangerous venture he had gone to face but also because it is all too possible that Merlin had collapsed again, maybe down a steep bank, or something and he is injured or too weak to make his way home.

It didn't help Gwaine's calm demeanor that Arthur, despite forcing very fake smiles and faker laughs, looked ready to kill just about anyone, including those he was riding with, and the further they got from Camelot without even any sign of tracks, the worse Arthur had become.  He took it at first for worry but Arthur's whole countenance changed whenever Merlin's name was mentioned, his jaw would clench and his eyes would narrow, fists clenching as though he would like nothing more than to strangle somebody but preferably Merlin. 

He wasn't sure what exactly had been going on with Arthur and Merlin lately, it was clear that there was something not entirely right, Merlin used to pretty much be Arthur's shadow and Gwaine knew that the young man would do anything and everything for his King, including die for him, but well it seemed that . . actually . . now he thought about it he realized that well it seemed nobody but Gaius spent any time with Merlin anymore, he couldn't really justify himself with a decent excuse for why he had stopped spending time with Merlin, hell, he wasn't even aware of how long it had been since they spent any time together.

He did know that they had been searching for two days now with absolutely no sign, and chances were that if Merlin had left any tracks they were long since gone. Though Gwaine did not wish to return to Camelot until his friend had been found he also couldn't help but point out the futility of their search, they could not simply continue riding around and just hope that they bumped into Merlin.

"Arthur, we should think about heading back to Camelot, you never know one of the other patrols may have found him already." He didn't miss the way Arthur's jaw tensed and he prepared himself for some kind of reprimand, though none was forthcoming, a sure sign that all was not well with Camelot's ruler. Gwaine put it down to worry over their friend and just hoped that wherever Merlin was, and whatever he was doing, he was safe.

Arthur nodded to Gwaine and turned his horse around, "We ride for Camelot." and Gwaine gave Arthur a reassuring smile, he wasn't worried, nope not at all.

God he could do with a drink, maybe he would take some wine and visit Gaius, try and find out what the old man knew of Merlin's disappearance. The truth may help them in actually finding him, still it was a long ride back home.

~~~~~~~~Arthur~~~~~~~~~~~~

Guinevere greets him in the courtyard her face a picture of worry and stress, though it eases slightly when she greets him with a kiss to the cheek. It's good to be home though he is worried about Merlin if the look on Guinevere's face is anything to go by then Merlin has yet to be found.

He has spent so many hours turning over all the years he has known Merlin in his mind in the hopes that he may find an answer, may be able to solve this riddle. So far he has come up with nothing, he still doesn't know what to do about Merlin if, no, when he returns but that isn't as important as finding him at the moment because right now Arthur would give almost anything to see that idiotic grin spread wide across his manservant's face. Camelot seems somehow emptier without his presence.

"Where's Gaius?" He asks looking around, there are a few knights and a couple of Lords waiting in the courtyard but no sign of the physician among them. Arthur has a sneaking suspicion that Gaius has gone, and hopes for the old mans sake that he is wrong.

"He left not long after you did Arthur, said he needed to go and see Hunith let her know what was happening. I had thought he would have returned by now but well he hasn't."

"Perfect." He really doesn't wish to host a double execution when the pair of them return. He had ordered Gaius to wait for his return and defying his orders on top of keeping such a treasonous secret he may have little option.  And this is the worst he has ever felt, all of the betrayals he has faced in the past, none felt so raw as this double betrayal does.  He doesn't know if its the quiet way it has been committed or the fact that he is unable to act, neither men are here and he cannot vent his frustrations and need for answers on men whose where-about's are currently unknown.

He knows that Gaius has not gone to see Hunith, he couldn't possibly, because Arthur sent one of the patrols in that direction and he's pretty sure that Gaius being as intelligent as he is would have known that.  He consoles himself with the thought that as Gaius knows Merlin best then chances are when he returns he will have Merlin with him.  A sudden panic grips him, he can't think for a moment because ... because what if Gaius does find Merlin, knowing that Arthur knows of their betrayal, what if that's simply it, what if neither ever return and then, oh god, Arthur will never know.  He will never learn the truth, never find out why exactly Merlin, a sorcerer, came to Camelot, stayed by his side, fought with him.  He needs to know though, he hates not knowing or understanding.

With Guinevere's betrayal, it was easier, and harder, because he saw it with his own eyes, caught her and Lancelot locked in a passionate kiss, he could act.  He got to demand answers and though the answers confused him more than clarified things he got to make a decision, based on what he witnessed and no matter how heavy his heart at the time, the bnishment at least gave him the time to heal and forgive and he has always been grateful for that. 

This though still just feels mostly unreal, he wonders if its because he hasn't ever witnessed Merlin using magic, or if its because he hasn't yet heard the truth from Merlin himself, even though he knows it must be the truth because Gaius would never lie to him about something as serious as this.

He briefly scans the courtyard a final time before turning to Leon,"Summon everyone to attend a round table meeting, immediately." Taking Guinevere's hand in his own he leads her through the castle towards the council chambers, this issue is something he cannot wrap his head around and he knows now that whatever he decides to do next concerning Gaius and Merlin is a decision he can't make on his own, doesn't want to make it alone. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize if this was hard to follow (due to many alternating POV's in this chapter will be back to normal next chapter :)


	7. chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry not updated 4 a while was a bit stuck 4 inspiration but here goes :)

Chapter 7

Merlin and Mordred had been travelling for the past couple of weeks, making their way out of Camelot and into Caerleon which has a much more lenient stance on magic and is home to a number of druid settlements.  Mordred had been thinking to take Merlin to one of these settlements, sure that being around other magic users, people who could help him learn and hopefully help him with his grief would be the best thing to do but now he's not so sure it's a good idea.

During their travels, with so much time spent alone, just the two of them, Mordred is finally clued in to just what exactly is going on with Merlin and his sympathy for him grows, Mordred had spent years hating 'Emrys' wishing for revenge but all he'd known for all his life was magic and the need to hide it (but he was still encouraged to learn and use his magic if only carefully) until 'The Once and Future King' and 'Emrys' brought magic back to the land and then he had met 'Emrys' who had a number of times been content to leave him to die or be caught (which would have resulted in his death anyway so it's the same thing) and his hopes for there ever coming a time in which magic could be freely used had died.  

Still he has spent all his life surrounded by others with magic, enjoying with childish wonder the things it can do, so for someone who has magic at their very core to be brought up as something of a freak so alone and sent to Camelot of all places where he is treated like an idiot, like he's worthless and living in the fear of discovery everyday knowing that if his 'friends' found out the truth there is a high likelihood of disgust, rejection and hatred.  It doesn't escape his notice either that in Merlin's current state these are the reactions he believes he deserves.

So he is trying to weigh up the pro's and con's of joining a druid settlement, on the one hand he thinks it would be very good for Merlin to for once be surrounded by people like him, who use magic as part of there everyday life, but on the other hand they are druids and all there prophecies are pretty much part of the problem.  He doesn't think Merlin would be able to handle it well at all if they all started in on his destiny at Arthur's side, would take it as disappointment and failure which would certainly not do his mindset any good.  But they are druids and they would be able to help and surely they would sympathize and do all they could to help 'Emrys' from sinking any deeper into guilt and despair.

He grips Merlin's hand a little tighter thinking it is probably time to make camp for the night, the sun has just started to go down, there isn't really a good spot nearby though. They are walking along flat lands at the moment and though it affords a good view the nearest town and forests all appear to be a good few miles away and going back towards the forest seems completely pointless seen as it has taken them all day to get this far away from them, which only leaves two options, either they just camp out here (which is probably not very safe even if they put up wards) or they keep walking until they reach the town he can see in the distance (which will take a couple of hours to get too and they will end up walking mostly in the dark).

"Merlin, there's a town over there, look." He points it out to Merlin who squints a little in the dying light, "I think we should go there for the night, get a room at the inn. What do you think?"

"Um, we are out of Camelot aren't we?" And when Mordred nods he sees the tension leave Merlin, "Let's go then."

Merlin pulls him along by their joined hands and he can't help but laugh.  Merlin may be older than him, may be a little broken but it seems finding himself finally out of Camelot's borders was exactly what he needed, his whole face is lit up in a silly grin, there is no sign of tension in his body and he is tugging on Mordred like an impatient child, blue eyes sparkling in a way he has never seen before.  For a moment his breath catches, he's not sure why the twinkle in Merlin's eyes has hit him like a punch to the gut, is not sure what the twinkle means but it comes to him slowly and then it is his turn to tug impatiently on Merlin's hand because that is a twinkle of pure happiness and it's something he wasn't sure he would ever see in Merlin.

"Race you!" He yells letting go of Merlin's hand for the first time in what feels like forever, and then the pair of them are racing across the grassy flat lands, laughing, pulling and pushing at each other.

XXXXXXXXXX

Gaius enters the inn shortly before sunset, cold and tired and starting to feel that all his searching is fruitless.  He keeps getting niggling doubts and can't stop the worry that it could be too late, that Merlin may be... No, he's sure, he'd know wouldn't he?  Besides he has a feeling that he's close, that soon, soon, he will find him, will be reunited with his beloved boy.  

If, no, when he finds him he has no intention of taking him back to Camelot.  He will respect whatever decisions Merlin makes because all he can think and feel is guilt.  He has betrayed Merlin, told Arthur what he is and if Merlin feels so bad in himself it is partly his fault, for not helping enough, for not seeing it sooner, for so many other things. Whatever deaths Merlin has on his conscience are also his to share.

"I'd like a tankard of mead, some food and a room for the night if you have one." The barman nods to him, hands over the tankard of mead, and Gaius hands over a few silver coins before going to sit at an empty table.

He waits for the barman to return with a bowl of stew and his room key for the night, "Actually I was wondering if you might be able to help me, I'm looking for someone and wondered if he had passed this way.  He's a young man dark hair, tall, skinny." He remembers how skinny Merlin looked when he saw him last and feels sick wondering what sort of state he might find him in.

"No, sorry haven't had any travelers pass through for a while, mostly just local business but if you think he might come through you can leave a message for him.  What's this lads name?"

"Merlin, if you have a quill and parchment I could use I think I will leave a message just in case."

The moment the barman leaves Gaius starts on his food, it's fairly bland but it's hot at least and filling, the barman leaves quill, ink and parchment on the table for him and Gaius nods his thanks, finishing his meal before contemplating just what he can put in a note.  He's only written a few short lines when the door swings open, admitting the sounds of breathless laughter and two young men.

His head jerks up at the sight of dark hair and he knows without seeing his face that it's Merlin, still he doesn't approach him, not yet, the barman will no doubt mention that Gaius is here searching for someone matching Merlin's description.  He's not sure who the other dark haired boy is, and though he hasn't seen either face he knows this must be someone met on his travels, it's heartening to Gaius that their laughter preceded them into the inn, if Merlin is laughing perhaps he is already feeling better and Gaius has been worrying needlessly.

He can tell as soon as the barman mentions something about him by the way Merlin's whole body seems to stiffen and he slowly turns his head, briefly scanning the inn before his eyes alight on Gaius, and Gaius can see a myriad of emotions flash across his face before his shoulders slump.  Both boys making there way over to his table with there drinks and sitting heavily onto the empty bench across from him.

Now that he has a chance to properly look at both boys he's at first a little shocked by how similar they look, although it's clear that Merlin is the elder but the likenesses are shocking if Gaius didn't know better he would take them for brothers.  It also doesn't escape his notice how closely they are sat together, thighs touching, shoulders knocking together, and wonders just who this boy might be. 

XXXXXXXXXX

"Merlin, my boy. I can't tell you how good it is to see you again. How are you?"

Merlin shifts uncomfortably, he feels guilty for worrying Gaius and leaving the way he did but he has no idea what to say, was totally unprepared to see anyone he knew least of all Gaius who has always treated him as a son.  Guilt and shame roil in his stomach, he takes a long gulp of his drink, partly to procrastinate and partly for courage, not that he thinks it will help really, so he's unsurprised when it does nothing to soothe the fluttering in his guts.  He reaches out blindly under the table and smiles, instantly feeling better when Mordred's fingers lock with his own, and Mordred offers him an encouraging smile.

"I'm okay, well, better anyway. I'm sorry Gaius I..."

"Don't be daft, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one that should be sorry. So are you going to introduce me to your friend."

"Mordred." Mordred holds out his hand to Gaius and to be fair Gaius only gapes blankly in shock for a moment before shaking his hand, which makes Merlin want to laugh for some reason.

"Mordred, no longer a boy I see." Merlin looks up at that he knows that Gaius knows what the dragon said all those years ago, and though it was always clear to Merlin that Gaius and Kilgharrah never saw eye to eye he hopes that Gaius won't be too disapproving, after all Merlin knows for a fact that without Mordred at his side he wouldn't have survived the past few weeks, they've grown especially close and Merlin enjoys his company and easy smiles, the way that Mordred takes care of him and wants to protect him, despite the fact that Merlin is older and more powerful.  It's nice, easy and he hasn't laughed like he did today in such a long time with wild abandon and the joy of being immature, not having to constantly worry about others and when the next attack will strike, whether he'll be strong enough to defeat whatever comes for Arthur next, in short he feels liberated and like he never wants to set foot in Camelot again, with all the death, the lies and monotony of servants work that was dealt with on a daily basis.

"I'm not going back Gaius, I can't. I'm not ready I'm not sure I'll ever be ready." Both Gaius and Mordred turn to look at him, Mordred giving his hand a faint squeeze letting him know that it's ok and that Mordred will be there whatever he decides, and Gaius with a look so sorrowful Merlin feels his heart clench painfully for the pain he has caused.

"Merlin, I'm so sorry, but Arthur knows."

He looks over at Gaius wondering just what Arthur knows and sees the answer plain in the pain and guilt in the old mans eyes.  Arthur knows.  Gaius... Gaius  _told him_.  Oh God, Arthur knows what will he... he's finding it hard to breathe realizes he is only taking in short gaping breaths, tears pricking at his eyes.  Gentle pressure on his fingers and a calm soothing voice.

"Merlin, it's alright, you're not in Camelot, it's alright. You've done enough. You've done enough." Mordred keeps soothing him and does make him feel slightly better but Merlin also knows it's a lie, he hasn't done enough, nowhere near enough, magic is still banned, people like him still persecuted and oh god Arthur... Arthur still thinks those with magic are evil so no he hasn't done enough but he's certainly done all he can.

"What.." He clears his throat, tries again, "What did he say?" And even now he can't help but feel a little bubble of hope, that maybe Arthur will change things, be ready to forgive him when _if_ Merlin ever returns, accept him for who he is, it is his destiny to bring back magic after all, there must be some hope to be had otherwise what the bloody hell was the point?  But Gaius is still looking at him with those sad pitying eyes, and the bubble bursts, whatever it is it isn't good.

"If we return Arthur has threatened a double execution the charge being treason.  I'm so sorry Merlin.  I thought it best to tell him, they were mounting patrols to search for you and well I had to warn him of the danger, if they underestimated you, with the state you were in that day well I thought it really was for the best.  He told me to stay in Camelot and await his return and judgement, that if I were to leave Camelot I returned to execution, but I couldn't sit there and do nothing not when I was so worried about you my boy. I am truly sorry."

Merlin doesn't blame Gaius at all, couldn't even if he wanted to.  He knows how scared he must have been for Merlin for him to go and tell Arthur, he's only sorry that now Gaius can't return to his home either, that in telling Arthur Gaius signed his own death sentence.  Treason?? Alright some of the things Merlin's done, poisoning Morgana, releasing the dragon were not good or noble or whatever but Gaius? Treason? The number of times the pair of them have saved Camelot, Uther and Arthur, the sacrifices made on both parts and this is it a double execution for treason?

"What are you going to do?" He asks instead of the million other questions in his mind (mostly why? and how? how could Arthur be so unforgiving, how could he think to execute Gaius on the grounds of treason, what? why? how? the precursors to all his questions and all of them sounding bitter) he takes another long gulp of his drink already thinking that he might need something stronger.

"I thought maybe once I'd found you I might go and find Alice, it's one of the reasons I'm here.  Rumor has it she lives in a druid settlement nearby." Merlin smiles at that, remembers Gaius helping her to escape and only staying in Camelot for Merlin, now there is no reason for either of them to go back, they could both go to the druids, he thinks that was what Mordred had in mind when he suggested they travel to Caerleon.

"Alice?" Mordred asks, "The healer?"

"Yes, do you know where she is, Mordred? Gaius we could all go to the druids together, couldn't we? Though I'm not sure how long I'll.." He feels the pressure increase round his fingers until it's almost painful and ducks his head shyly, he hadn't wanted to presume so it's nice to be given confirmation, "We'll," He amends and Mordred smiles at him running his thumb over Merlin's wrist, "Stay for, but we can journey there with you. We have a room here, do you ?" Gaius nods and Merlin feels almost giddy body practically vibrating in it's seat, thrumming with joy and excitement, like the whole world is full of new possibilities.

"Gaius will you join us for breakfast? We can leave right after, it's not too long a walk, we should make it there by mid afternoon." Mordred tells them so they all agree to breakfast and Merlin doesn't think the morning can come soon enough.


	8. chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> erm this is mostly a flashback kind of chapter cos we're going back to Arthur and Camelot so yeah precedes the previous chapter idk anymore sorry if I'm confusing you all :(

 

Chapter 8

_Camelot after the first patrols returned_

Arthur walked into the council chambers without bothering to check that everyone was already there as he tried to sort through his feelings and what he was going to tell them exactly, he knew he needed advice yet he still didn't really want to mention the whole Merlin being a sorcerer and Gaius being a traitor.  He told himself that it was just because he still needed time himself to get used to the facts and that yes magic was evil but he wasn't able to fool himself, he knew that he just didn't want to find out who else would tell him that two of the most loyal servants were evil traitors and that they did indeed deserve execution.

There was also the worry of how many of them would tell Arthur that he was wrong and that magic or not, or in Gaius' case accomplice to a sorcerer, there was no way either of them would hurt or betray Arthur.  Arthur thought this himself really but he couldn't get his head around why Merlin practiced magic in the first place knowing how Arthur and indeed Camelot felt about such practices, why Gaius would lie for him, why they would both see fit to lie to Arthur for so many years.  He knew that Guinevere especially would disapprove, she loved Merlin and Gaius deeply and had loved them both long before there was anything between the two of them, so no all in all he was not looking forward to what he felt he must now do.

He cleared his throat before taking his seat to call the meeting to order, "I have called this meeting to discuss the problem of Merlin and Gaius' disappearance, now I know that to many of us they are our friends, or we thought that they were." He trailed off glancing around briefly to see every face looking shocked, some already whispering to their neighbours. He noted Gwaine's white knuckled fists clenched on the table and wondered whether Gwaine would also want to leave him, he had always let it be known he was here for Merlin more than anything else and couldn't help but wonder if perhaps Gwaine already knew.  To how many of the people here was this actually going to be news?

He cleared his throat again and continued, "It was recently confessed to me that Merlin is in fact a sorcerer and Gaius has kept this information to himself ever since Merlin arrived here." He was perversely pleased to note most faces registered nothing but shock (but not Gwaine's, his only showed badly veiled anger, as if Arthur was the one in the wrong), "We need to decide whether or not to continue to pursue them.  it is my belief however that neither will return to Camelot, it has been made clear to Gaius that if either of them return they will face execution." 

That statement was greeted with gasps of shock, a few murmured agreements, but mostly what seemed to be cries of outrage.  This right here was what had been worrying him, he knew how well loved Merlin and Gaius were in Camelot, they both spent a lot of time amongst the people helping with births and curing the sick and injured, they had both been here at the side of him and his father for so long that yes the whole thing really did seem absurd this was why he called the meeting so they could try and come up with the best solution because the thought of neither man returning felt like a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach.

"Arthur, you can't be serious!" Gwen exclaimed, "Don't you remember when you last accused Gaius, how can you even say such things they're our friends, they're loyal to Camelot!"

"Gaius told me himself that Merlin is a sorcerer, and for him to tell me proves that he knew, no matter what happened in the past it was true that Gaius was protecting a sorcerer, I believe now that he has probably helped many magic users escape the pyre.  These are the facts Guinevere as much as I dislike them myself I can't avoid them, and these are the reasons that I have charged them both with treason."

Arthur watched as Gwaine's self control snapped and he stood abruptly, his chair falling to the floor and Arthur braced himself for what was coming, he could already predict it, it was as clear in his mind as if it had already happened but still he sat calmly and waited for Gwaine to speak, hoping his suspicions were wrong.

"Well that's just bullshit Arthur, if you think that either of them are capable of treason then you're not the king I thought you were.  So Merlin has magic and Gaius knew that it doesn't prove anything other than they've both been risking their lives staying here and supporting you.  Can you really not see all that they've done."

"Thank you for that Gwaine.  This doesn't seem to have come as much of a surprise to you, anything you'd like to share with me?"

"Yeah I knew, if that's what you're asking, and no Merlin didn't tell me or Gaius for that matter, I've known since before I even joined your knights and I know Merlin and I know he has always done everything he could for you, you're telling me your fathers blind crusade is reason enough to chop the heads off a couple of friends.  You wonder why he never told you?"

Arthur himself now had his fists clenched tightly trying to rein in his anger because although Gwaine may have a point he would never admit it and he was nowhere near being able to forgive the crimes committed by either man and though he knew that Camelot would seem somehow much emptier without their presence he didn't want them here.  If they arrived back anytime soon then chances were high that he really would unthinkingly kill them in a fit of rage, and that was something he didn't want to do, so as long as they weren't here he didn't need to act, but he needed to be convinced that going after them would be pointless they were no doubt long gone.

_If Merlin's even still alive._ Shut up, of course he was alive, he had to be.  Besides Merlin was literally the luckiest man Arthur had ever met (he was always riding into danger without even armor or weapons, though now Arthur thought about it it was obvious why Merlin had never felt the need for such things.)

"Indeed Gwaine, again thank you for your input.  The question is though is it worth pursuing them, personally I believe they will be well past our borders by now ."

"Sire they are traitors to the crown, to the kingdom, you must send out messages to our allies to keep an eye out for them.  If found within another's borders they can be taken in and brought back to Camelot to face trial." Oh great that bloody pompous arse 'sir' Richmond, yes he could do that and probably already would have done if the fugitives in question were not close friends of his.

"Well if that's the way it's to be then I'll be off now, I no longer wish to be a knight of this bloody backwards realm." And with that Gwaine yanked his cloak off and stormed from the hall leaving a deafening silence in his wake.  Arthur just watched calmly as another friend walked out of his life, was all this trouble over magic really worth it? He had faced many magical threats and despite the rage boiling within he knew that neither Gaius or Merlin were a threat, hell if he wasn't the king he might have even fancied joining Gwaine in leaving the kingdom to find his friends.  No, they were no longer his friends - magic was evil, it had been proven time and again and those who practiced it could not be trusted.

'Keep telling yourself that, maybe if you repeat it enough times you'll be able to believe you haven't thrown away your closest friends based on the hatred that Uther spewed.'  He sighed at the calm voice in his head that sounded a little like Merlin, he really needed to stop thinking about Merlin, it would do him no good, he had made up his mind.

"Right, votes for pursuing them," A couple of hands went up, "Votes for leaving them to it," A fair number of hands, more than half actually which meant that those yet to vote were in agreement with the pompous arses plan but at least there was more than half voting to leave them be (which had included the queen and many of his knights, and oddly a few nobles too), "Okay so we leave them to it, if they return here they are to be arrested immediately.  Council dismissed." 

"Arthur! Wait!" Gwen shouted to him as he stalked his way towards his chambers, he took a deep breath he was not in the mood for this even though he knew he would have to face everyone eventually and knowing that she deserved an explanation after the news he had just imparted, still he carried on walking though he did slow his pace so that she might catch up with him.

"Not here Guinevere, wait til we reach our chambers and then I'll explain." He waited til she nodded and then just walked silently along beside him, looking at her from the corner of his eyes he could see the tears threatening to spill and wished again that this wasn't happening, that he didn't have to be the one who would cause those tears to fall.

Once inside their chambers he slumped dejectedly into a seat at the table, waiting for Guinevere to do the same, he ran a hand across his eyes wishing for nothing more than his bed, he was tired, so tired but he knew it would be a while yet before he could retire for the night.

"Arthur? What happened, what's going on?"

"I think we should wait for the knights to arrive I'd rather not have to explain it again and no doubt they will be here soon." 

Sure enough barely a half hour later he opened the door to find Leon, Percival and Elyan.  He ushered them in and filled them all in on what had happened, all that he knew anyway, pretending not to notice Guinevere's tears as they slid silently down her face or the worry and pity he saw in the eyes of his knights.

 

XXXXXXXXXX

Gwen couldn't help but worry about Arthur he had been so distant and withdrawn ever since the patrols had come back after searching for Merlin a couple of weeks ago, after Arthur had told them all what had happened she had been glad that none of the patrols had had any luck in finding Merlin.  Despite that he had magic, despite the lies, she knew that her friend was a genuinely good person and that he was loyal to a fault.

She remembered a time, when Merlin had only been in Camelot a short while, her father miraculously cured from a plague that Gaius had yet to find a cure for, how she had been thrown in the dungeons to await execution and remembered how Merlin had promised he would help her, save her, and Morgana telling her afterwards how Merlin had claimed to be the sorcerer responsible for her fathers health.  Nobody had believed it, she had her doubts at the time not that he wasn't a sorcerer but that he was, however as time had gone on and she had got to know Merlin better it did seem ridiculous to believe that he was a sorcerer.

And all this time it was the truth.

With Merlin, Gaius and Gwaine still gone her husband had retreated into himself, he always seemed thoughtful, hardly talking and even training the knights or hunting seemed to bring him any joy she knew that they needed to do something, the whole of Camelot seemed to be wallowing under the weight of their loss.  all three men had been popular, they were kind and helpful although very different and she had been heartbroken to learn of what Merlin had been doing to himself. 'What we caused him to do to himself', they had done nothing, not even noticed as their friend had slowly lost himself to the horrors that plagued his mind.

"Arthur," She started tentatively, they were sat alone in their chambers supposedly enjoying their evening meal, but in reality Arthur had done little more than push his food around his plate and all she had done was watch her husband, biting her lip she continued slowly, "Do you think that maybe - maybe magic isn't all bad.  I mean there are countries that freely allow it and well they wouldn't would they surely if well if it was."

"I don't know Guinevere.  Camelot has been plagued by magic, the evils of sorcery, for so long that it's hard to believe.  Though you do make a point, I just I'm still not sure that I am ready to face... My father told me many times of the dangers and though I know that Merlin or Gaius ever caused any harm that does not mean to say that perhaps they were not plotting to.  Look what happened to Morgana, it seemed as though one day she was fighting an army of the undead with us and the next she was attacking with an immortal army of her own, I just... I can't, I don't know what to think on the issue or well anything anymore."

She looked him in the eyes then noting how lost he looked, like a small boy in need of comfort and guidance, and resolved that one of them needed to do something needed to be strong.  The people and it's king could not continue on as they were, and she knew that they did need to find Merlin if only so he could explain himself and his actions to Arthur, so that Arthur may understand and find some kind of peace with the knowledge, he owed them that much at least.

She waited until Arthur was sleeping and crept out of bed to sit at the table pulling parchment and ink to her she started writing her first ever missive as queen, one thing had been made clear to her and that was that in Uther's purge on magic he had left Camelot woefully ignorant and if they had a hope of understanding they needed to visit a kingdom that allowed magic, that governed it the same way it governed all it's people.  They could not hope to move forward, or on, without knowing what they were condemning they're friends for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Know this was only a short chapter, just wanted to fill you in on what was going on in Camelot the next chapter takes place in Annis' kingdom and is a leap forward in time (not decided how much time has passed yet though)


	9. chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to Caerleon!

Chapter 9

 

Merlin had not thought to stay with the druids for long he had worried about hearing talk of 'Emrys' and his  _destiny_ luckily though it seemed that none of them had thought it strange that he should be here and not in Camelot, protecting the 'once and future king'.  None seemed inclined to call him 'Emrys' either, which had come as a slight surprise seen as that's all he'd ever been called by the druids he had met, he thought that maybe Gaius and Mordred had something to do with this though.  It helped that this was where Gaius was, and he was happy that Gaius was reunited with Alice, who when not under the control of a manticore was a very nice lady, he liked her a lot.  She had been helping teach him healing spells, and how to make potions more effective with but a whispered word.  

He had learned a lot really in the short time they had been staying here, and he couldn't be more grateful or feel any happier each time he and Mordred spent time alone, the young man had been pretty much his saviour and the pair often enjoyed the task of entertaining the young ones with small displays of magic, coloured sparks, butterflies and fire dragons seeming to be the most popular of the magic they showed them.

It was definitely doing him good it felt natural to be here, he couldn't remember the last time he had been so happy no burdens weighing him down, being surrounded by others who had magic and used it openly all living peacefully and happily, none of the people here would use magic for selfish purposes.  It was freeing, liberating, to not have to hide who or what he was.  He only wished that Arthur could see these people their freedom and joy in the world how each who possessed magic used it in ways to help and benefit their small community, be it growing crops or aiding the sick, there would be no way that even Arthur could declare them evil.  All one had to do was look at the bright smiles painted across the faces of small children as they watched the elders in awe, or as their own eyes shone gold and they were filled with pride at conjuring a flower, there was nothing evil in this whole camp.

This was the first time he had been in Annis' kingdom and though he had not seen much of it he knew that magic was not outlawed here, instead all people were treated the same it was something which had baffled him at first why any magic users would dwell within Camelot's borders, but soon discovered that those who did so were Camelot citizens and had merely not wanted to have to leave the country of their birth despite Uther's hypocritical laws.

However not everything could be done with magic, every now and then a couple of people would leave to visit the market and trade wares and stock up on supplies and today he had convinced Mordred that they should go, he was interested to see more of this kingdom, a kingdom that lived they way in which Camelot should have.

They walked into the town centre, hand in hand (this was still something he could not believe he had found, this bond that had sprung up between the two of them and evolved quickly into something he thought he would never again feel - love) walking slowly through the square and eyeing the various wares on the stalls set up.

"Merlin! Merlin, mate."  A very recognisable voice yelled, Merlin tensed a little turning just as Gwaine reached them, "Mate I've been looking everywhere for you, where've you been?"

Six weeks, that's how long it had been since the day he left Camelot, he had never really thought to see any of his old friends again but he supposed when it came to Gwaine he should have known better.  He had noticed right away the lack of Camelot's knightly attire and knew what that meant, he gave Mordred's hand a slight squeeze to reassure him they had nothing to fear and felt a small spike of guilt that he had not trusted his most faithful friend more even when he knew that Gwaine would do anything and everything within his power to help and protect him, still it was in the past now so there was no point lingering on it.

"Gwaine," He offered him a genuine smile, "This is Mordred, he's a druid and has been amazing really, so what are you doing here?"

"Mordred, hey." Gwaine clasped Mordred round his forearm and smiled brightly at him, "Like I said I've been looking for you.  You know me, I got bored of playing soldiers decided it was time to move on.  More time for drink yeah, so you been here all this time?"

"No, for a while but not - no.  Um come back to the camp with us and we can talk there, this is probably not the place for this conversation.  Plus you can help us carry the supplies back."

Gwaine nodded falling into step with them, as they went about bartering for the things needed.  He had wanted to make the most of being within the city bbut now that Gwaine was here it didn't seem fair to linger longer than needed, he owed his friend the truth it was certainly about time.

Once they had returned to camp, Gwaine going to greet Gaius with a crushing hug, Mordred pulled him into his arms forehead to forehead feeling Mordred's hands on his back stroking him gently through his jacket, easing his nerves. 

 _'It'll be ok Merlin, he wouldn't be here if he didn't care.'_ The gentle voice stroked his mind, their magic flaring and entwining until all there was in Merlin's world was Mordred, his hands on him, his magic embracing Merlin's own, his soothing voice in his head.

_'I know, I'm just not sure that after everything I deserve a friend so loyal.  He left Camelot for me and I've been lying to him the whole time we've known each other. He should hate me, or at the least be angry.'_

_'Not everyone thinks like you, he obviously knows now and yet here he is, go on he's waiting.'_

Heaving a sigh he reluctantly let go of Mordred, letting their mental connection break and made his way slowly over to Gwaine, who was pretending that he hadn't just been watching him with Mordred.  He tilted his head toward the tent he and Mordred shared in invitation, ordinarily a tent would offer little privacy not with all the other tents crowding close by but with magic everything was easy and possible and privacy was guaranteed what with the spells they had placed upon their new home.  Once inside he collapsed onto the nearest chair, kicking out the one nearest to him for Gwaine.

"So-" 

"What happened, Merlin?"

"...Um, not sure what you mean."

"I mean why you left Camelot, Arthur informed the whole council that you were mentally unstable and a danger, of course the princess always did have a way of talking out of his arse."

Merlin couldn't help the laugh that bubbled up and out of him at that, he realised just how much he had missed his friend.  Hopefully now things could be better, easier, between them now that there was no need for secrets between them.  He poured them both a drink before taking a deep breath and filling Gwaine in on all that had happened.

 

XXXXXXXXXX

"Sire, a messenger has just arrived from Annis' court."  Leon announced.

Arthur looked up from his throne, he threw a puzzled look towards Guinevere and was puzzled further by the blush that rose up her cheeks.

"Right, well you'd best send him in then."  He hoped it wasn't anything too serious as they were only half way through listening to the people's pleas, though these were mainly dull trivial matters the likes of which could be easily settled if people were slightly less stubborn and pigheaded.

The messenger entered the room and made his way up to the dias where the thrones stood, bowing low he announced, "Sire, your highness, I bring greetings from queen Annis, she wishes to inform you that she would be more than happy to receive you both and a small contingent of knights and wants me to enquire as to when you would be visiting and how large a party will be accompanying you."

"..." Arthur looked over to his queen questioningly, eyebrows raised.  He wouldn't call her on this (whatever this was) in front of the people, he would do so later though for now he just hoped that she knew enough about this message to not alert suspicion, the people already seemed restless since the loss of three of Camelot's most trusted.

"Of course, thank Annis for her generous offer of hospitality, the number I think will be no more than the king and I and four knights.  We will depart - ?"

"Oh, in two days time I think." Arthur put in, that would be enough time to find out what was going on, and make the necessary preperations, "You may rest here for the night and depart in the morning, Leon will show you to a room."

"Thank you, sire." He bowed low again before following Leon from the room.

"Right let's hear the next petition then."

After a few more boring petitions Arthur and Guinevere were finally alone in the throne room, "So care to explain what that was about then?" He asked keeping his tone calm and neutral.

"Well I thought that maybe we could learn a little about how her kingdom works without a ban on magic, they don't seem to have ever suffered half so much trouble as Camelot has when it comes to magic.  It never hurts to learn more so that we may understand something of which we are mostly ignorant of, do you not think?"

He thought about what she had said for a few moments, she was right he couldn't remember having heard of any magical mishaps affecting the kingdom of Caerleon (and why had he never thought of that before?) Annis' kingdom had always been a peaceful one, though in Uther's time a treaty between the two countries had never been signed but neither had been capable of conquering the other and so Uther had mainly just acted as though the kingdom of Caerleon didn't exist at all, but Arthur was an ally of Annis and he supposed this would be a good opportunity to see how a kingdom with magic survived.

"Ok, as I told the messenger we will leave in two days.  I know you hope that if we learn more I will change my mind in regards to Gaius and Merlin but I'm not sure anything will convince me to remove their ban, it was never just a matter of the magic, it is also the lies they have both told."

Guinevere nodded, her eyes filling as they always did when discussing the topic of her friends.  Arthur didn't want to get her hopes up, though, he knew that the magic should be the main issue but he had told Guinevere the truth, the magic was not his main issue, it never had been (although he couldn't deny that it did worry him slightly, he certainly wouldn't be able to just come to terms with it and wished more than ever that he could have a chance to find out the truth from his manservant.)

 


	10. chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> erm pretty much wrapping this up - thanks for reading :)

Chapter 10

 

Arthur walked uncomfortably through the market outside Caerleon's citadel, he couldn't deny that witnessing magic being used so openly made him flinch inside even if he managed to stop it forming physically, although he had to admit that in a way it was rather refreshing to see magic being used for something other than the destruction of Camelot as if it somehow brought clarity to Gaius' words that magic was not solely the evil force his father had deemed it to be .

He was still battling internally with what he could see, all that he had been told recently and all that he had learned after a lifetime of his father's ruthless teachings on the matter. He had talked long into the night with Annis, after he had first arrived, who had all but scoffed at Uther's prejudice and invited him to see for himself how magic could aid a kingdom, he had taken a tour not just of the citadel but the outlying regions where he had been surprised by the benefits it provided for the harvests and how each village no matter how small had a gifted healer.

Now walking through the market place his eye was caught by a flamboyant display consisting of a shower of coloured sparks and butterflies, looking around for the source he first noticed the group of delighted children before his gaze settled on two heads of dark curly hair who he figured were most likely brothers, and decided to get a better look at these sorcerers who entertained children with magic.

He had only taken a few steps closer when the face of one came into profile and his heart stuttered in his chest, he would know those cheekbones anywhere but it wasn't what had caused such a reaction, no that was due to the look of absolute joy on this sorcerer's face. He had thought he had seen all the smiles that face had to offer, but looking closer he realized this was definatly a look he had never before seen adorning his manservant, a realization that couldn't help but make him not only feel guilty but also a little bit jealous.

He had not expected to find Merlin here, though when he thought of it it did make sense that he would travel to where he would be accepted for his gifts instead of reviled, but since the last he had heard regarding his... manservant (not friends, friends don't lie to each other) was about how he had been harming himself he had thought that it was possible he would never see his friend...  _'_ _No! Damnit not friends'_...again. So to see him here, looking so happy was nothing short of a jolting shock to his entire system even though he couldn't help but feel that really it shouldn't have been, before he could process or even engage his brain his feet were carrying him on towards his once thought of friend.

" _Mer_ lin," The two men's heads snapped up so quickly that Arthur winced internally knowing that it had to have hurt, still he didn't feel guilty for it.

"A-Arthur!" Merlin was gazing up at him with wide frightened eyes (and didn't that feel all kinds of wrong?) and he couldn't fail to notice the way his hands grasped blindly for that of the other man, as though he needed it like people need air. He wondered who this other man was who Merlin so clearly needed, and suddenly thought that he should have thought this through but he had been unable to help it, unable to stop himself.

"So... this is where you've been hiding?" He had hoped for it to be at least a little teasing but had failed completely and all it sounded was what it was... accusatory.

"Um..."

"Do you think we could maybe talk- just I want... Need to know the truth Merlin... I can't, I don't understand."

"Um..." Merlin nodded, shakily getting to his feet but not relinquishing his hold on the other man (who now that Arthur could see him properly looked to be little more than a boy, barely out of his teens) who followed Merlin's lead and rose to stand. Arthur couldn't help feel a little impressed by the sight of them stood shoulder to shoulder, so similar it was hard to believe that they were not related if not for the joined hands and the fact that Arthur knew Merlin to be an only child he would never have believed it.

He turned and started to make his way to the citadel, trusting that he knew Merlin well enough to know that he would follow (he always had,) and unconcerned by the presence of this stranger, if Merlin felt better for having this boy at his side who was he to deny him after all this was not his kingdom and he had no sway here, even if he did he knew that he would not have been able to hurt his friend.

XXXXXXXXXX

Merlin gripped Mordred's hand despite how sweaty his palms were, without the solid presence at his side he doubted he would have even been able to coax his legs to work. 

He was a nervous wreck, he had never expected to see Arthur again and he was unsure what the kings presence in Caerleon meant, had he come to drag him and Gaius back to Camelot? How did he even know where they were? Why now, when he had been doing so well and he was _happy_? Destiny it seemed really was a Bitch! There was _no_ escaping it, instead he gripped the hand in his just a little tighter even though it must now bordering on painful (he could feel Mordred's bones grinding slightly and tried to be strong enough to ease his grip.)

_'You can do this, he has no say here and it is not that he deserves to hear the truth from you... it is that you deserve for him to listen!'_ Mordred firmly told him, he glanced over to him a shaky smile on his lips and nodded his head in acknowledgement. In a way Mordred was right... he deserved to be heard not just for himself but for all those who were yet unknown to Arthur but had been lost along the way, he deserved closure and he thought he deserved a chance at happiness, to ease the weight upon him. The guilt... the failure, that no matter how good he had made his life, still ate away at his mind each day the worst time being just before the dawn when everyone else still slept and all was peaceful but for his mind which always led to him waking Mordred before the sun was up seeking comfort and reassurance.

They followed Arthur into the citadel itself, but he was too worried and nervous to take in his surroundings, just that the heat of the day was swept away inside the cool stone walls, up flights of stairs, to a large guest chamber. He heard a soft gasp and looked up through his lashes to see Gwen sitting at a table the book in her hands forgotten as she stared at him with eyes filling with tears.

Then suddenly in a blur of colour and a rustle of fabric he felt soft arms encircling him, pulling him close, arms that trembled just a little.

"Oh Merlin," Gwen sobbed!  _Sobbed!_ She was squeezing him like her life depended on it and she was sobbing! He found it a little hard to believe, he and Gwen had once been very close but he had thought (felt) that there friendship was all but over once she became queen and he had been pushed out, and yet here she was- not afraid, not judging, just genuinely happy to see him again. He brought his free arm up and squeezed back just a little.

"I was so worried Merlin, have you seen Gaius? Is he alright? What have you been doing?"

"Guinevere!" Arthur interrupted and Merlin felt Gwen's arms slowly loosening there hold on him before she took a step back, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She sat herself back down at the table and Arthur joined her, taking her hand in his and placing a kiss to her knuckles.

Merlin and Mordred shared a brief smile but stayed where they were, both a little uncomfortable.

Merlin huffed a breath, felt Mordred squeeze his hand again, and looked up at Arthur, "What do you want to know?"

"The truth, _Mer_ lin."

"That doesn't help, _Ar_ thur, the truth about what? I already know Gaius told you about my magic- so what is it you want to know?"

"Everything."

"Right well that is a very long story..."

XXXXXXXXXX

Night had long since fallen, Merlin and Mordred were sitting on the rug before the fire while Arthur and Guinevere sat on chairs. He had felt a little odd sat on a chair looking down on the two men, Merlin was right it was a long story and Arthur learned about people he had never met and the truth about some of those he had.

He still hadn't really made any kind of decision regarding his feelings on magic, but hearing Merlin's tale he had at least resolved his feelings towards his ex-manservant. Merlin was not evil, despite the mistakes he admitted to making (like releasing a bloody great _dragon,_ he really was an idiot) but it was clear that Merlin had lost much in his quest to pretty much single-handedly rid Camelot of any and all magical threats. Some of the things he had learned had caused him to yell and a couple of things had him reaching for a sword that wasn't there, but Guinevere's hand reaching out always stayed him for which he was glad.

"So... There's two bloody dragons flying around somewhere, and you're the last dragon-lord? And you've saved not only my life but my father's and the kingdom a number of times? I find it hard to believe... I thought I knew you, thought we were friends, why did you never tell me?"

"You did hear me when I told you that I was the old sorcerer, how could I tell you, you'd have had my head or banished me and well it was meant to be my destiny to protect you, I couldn't let anything happen to threaten that."

"Yet, you ran away..." How was it impossible for him to keep the hurt from his voice about that, it hurt he had been so worried for his friend and then once he had learned of magic and years of lies, betrayal... well it was as though he had no longer seen Merlin as a person, and he realized now just how much damage Uther's ban and the relentless hunting down of anything or anyone who even came into contact with magic had done.

The two men sat silently before him were people, they laughed, cried, loved, hurt the same as any other and they did not deserve to be treated like they were less for something that could not be changed.

"Hmm, I was not in a very good place when I left and well I'm not sorry for leaving," Arthur noticed the shy smile that Merlin gave the other man before continuing, "But I am sorry for making people worry, and that you found out the truth the way you did, I have always wanted to tell you- but I knew I could never let you know and I'm sorry for that."

"I'm sorry too, Merlin, and..." Ugh, why was this so hard just spit it out, "Thank-you."  _For everything, all you've done and all you've lost._

He knew there were still things that needed to be addressed but he hoped that in time things could be well not as they were before but perhaps better than before if...

"I'm thinking of lifting the ban!" He blurted out, he wasn't sure he had meant to say that but now that he had he knew it to be true, he was truly considering it, it wouldn't be easy but nothing worth having ever comes easy so maybe that was okay too.

Merlin and Mordred beamed at each other before bestowing Arthur with two identical smiles (that really is a bit weird), and Guinevere gave a soft gasp and clasped his hand in hers, well at least he knew he had the support of his queen on the issue.

"If the ban were lifted you know you would be welcome back in Camelot, it isn't the same without you, Gaius too could return." He held his breath hoping, praying it was enough, but as he watched the smile slip from Merlin's face he deflated slightly.

"I-I um, I... it's just I really don't think- I can't, not yet, maybe... maybe one day." He shared a sad little smile with Merlin, somehow knowing that it was unlikely he would see him again, at least not in Camelot, too much baggage, too many memories... too much. He could feel the tears pricking behind his eyes but he did not let them fall until he and Guinevere were once again alone in their room. 


End file.
